A Capella Luctuoso
by Seer of Terana
Summary: Edward left Bella during New Moon and her way of coping with the loss causes her to be hated by everyone in Forks, including herself. All she wants is to be with Edward again, but would he even want to look at her after everything she’s done?
1. Prologue

_Hey there. This is my first Twilight fic and my first written story in a long time. I know that countless stories have been written about the time in-between Edward and Bella's separation and their reunion. But, you know, maybe you'll think this one is extraordinarily different and stick around. I normally don't do stories with more than one chapter, as I tend to lose interest and never finish longer ones. But, hey, it's Twilight. If there's anything that could hold my interest, it's this. By the by, Stephanie Meyer is a literary goddess._

_On the title; Spanish has never been my strongest area, but 'luctuoso' should mean mournful (or something similar) and 'a capella' is an Italian term for a song sung by a vocalist with no instrumental accompaniment._

_Summary: Edward left Bella during New Moon and her way of coping with the loss causes her to be hated by everyone in Forks, including herself. All she wants is to be with Edward again, but would he even want to look at her after everything she's done?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in it._

A Capella Luctuoso

Prologue

He broke my heart, shattered it on the ground, and scattered the pieces all over the world. He left me in a forest, he left in Forks, and he left me all alone with some meaningless 'I hope you get over me' speech. He robbed himself from me, from my life, leaving me to wallow in my memories, keeping him with me. He's made me cry, worry, bleed, he's put me in the hospital and embarrassed me and laughed at every single one of my insecurities. He ran away from me, when he KNEW that I'd gone too far to ever get over him, I'd passed the point of no return the moment I'd met him.

He's made my life so miserable. So why can't I hate him? Why can't I stop from dreaming about him, or sitting at my window every night, waiting for him to appear? I love him when I should hate him. Oh, God. I want to hate him. I want to be able to exist without him, to breathe without thinking about him. All I can do is drink him in until my heart seems ready to burst, only to find that it's been starved.

My zombie mode is scaring my friends, worrying Charlie sick, turning Renee's hair gray. Why don't I care more about that? Why can't I make myself seem happy, just to ease them? They shouldn't have to waste their lives worrying about mine, it was already gone. But I can't bring myself to give a damn about them. Why should I bother making them happy when I breathe pain and drink grief?

I will do something, I'll change, but not for the menagerie of people who crowd around me, waiting to see if I'll kill myself before or after I go insane. I'll change for me, and for him. He wanted me to be happy, happy without him.

Edward… you're such an idiot.

_Yeah, yeah. I know it's a slow start, but I'm worked really hard on Chapter 1. It gets better, I promise! So go ahead and click on that little 'Next' arrow at the bottom of your screen. Truuuust me. :3_

_Oh, but first: _

_Next Chapter: Bloody Crusades- Break-ups and heart aches, a review of what was, guilt and comfort. _


	2. Bloody Crusades

_I always try to publish a prologue and chapter 1 at the same time. Prologues are boring. Plus, I wouldn't expect one to make people want to come back and keep reading. That being said, I hope this chapter does that for you. Oh, I didn't mention before, since I was being polite, but I'm a literary vampire! What that means is, instead of blood, I live on reviews. So… you know, please review my work. Because I'm one of those good literary vampires- if you do send me reviews, I give you my undying gratitude. You don't want me to turn into one of those evil literary vampires, who hunt down people who just favorite and put on story alert lists, but don't review. Once they hunt that kind of person down, They perform a terrible ritualistic beating with a mackerel that's been dead for six days. It's not pleasant…_

_Summary: Edward left Bella during New Moon and her way of coping with the loss causes her to be hated by everyone in Forks, including herself. All she wants is to be with Edward again, but would he even want to look at her after everything she's done?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in it._

A Capella Luctuoso

Chapter 1

A Bloody Crusade

Another rainy day in Forks. How abnormal… not. The only thing that made this day different from the many others was that I was sitting outside, perched on top of a low concrete wall outside Forks High School, leaning over above Ben, Angela's boy… ex-boyfriend. Any one-eyed half-wit could see our lips were locked together. Ben's tongue was always so eager, pushing past my lips seconds into the kiss. He enjoyed swirling it around in my mouth, dancing around my tongue, trying to provoke a reaction out of me. Once in a while I'd humor him and take control of the make-out session, but usually I was passive, like now.

After a few minutes, I broke away from him to catch my breath. Or, that's what he figured. It was easy enough to breath through my nose when my mouth was otherwise occupied, and his feelings might get hurt if he noticed his kiss didn't have much effect on me. Some little part of my brain found it comical that I was worried about his feelings, especially now, at this moment.

I pushed him to the side and hopped off the wall. We hadn't spoken yet; I waited for him after school and immediately pressed our lips together. Somehow or another, I'd ended up sitting on the wall, his arms wrapped around me. But as the kiss progressed, those little thoughts once again crept back to the forefront of my mind. Ben wasn't enough.

I started walking to my truck, and he followed me like always, my little lovesick lapdog. I reached the driver's side door and Ben stopped a few feet behind me. I turned and stared at him with a bored expression. "Go away. Don't talk to me anymore." Another one bites the dust. I climbed into my truck and started it up, pulling out of the school parking lot.

Ben was in the same spot; his crushed expression followed me as I drove out to the road. I decided to be merciful and didn't spare him another glance.

This is what my life has become, but I don't mind it. Not really.

-

Once I'd decided to do things differently, it was easy to get started. Jacob didn't need any prodding, and it was so easy to melt into his arms, to let him comfort me, protect me, love me. We dated for a few months, surely the happiest times I've had in a long time. I met his friends, got to know Billy better… I ended up spending most of my time in La Push, staying with Jake for the day and spending the night with a friend of the family, Leah Clearwater. Charlie didn't mind, it eased his mind about me and gave him an excuse to party with Billy whenever he wanted.

I probably wouldn't have minded living like that. I wasn't happy, but I was content. It was better than being miserable. I could have married Jacob, he wouldn't need to think about it, and no one would ever object. No one except me, I guess.

Now, like with Ben, it can happen in an instant, but with Jacob it was a slow process. First I noticed how warm and soft he was; his young, tender, human flesh was so smooth, like pebbles at the bottom of a creek bed. It made my skin crawl. Where were the cold, marble-like arms I wanted to touch, the solid-as-a-wall chest that could mold itself to cradle my face so perfectly? Gone.

That was a big rock thrown in my stomach, it weighed me down all the time, and making these comparisons reminded me of him. So I fought to forget him, and Jacob's soft skin. But then Jacob decided to give me a piggy-back ride and my face was pressed into his hair. It made me sick. His long, oily black hair made my stomach churn and my throat burn. It was so dark, nothing like that beautiful bronze color I'd loved. That hair entered my mind; it's stylish, messy-on-purpose look, its color, the face below it… I gagged, and Jacob set me back on the ground.

It was a downward spiral from there. Jake's dark complexion was a foil to that beautiful, pale white skin, sparkling like diamonds in the sunlight. His smile shined like the sun, spreading his joy with everyone, but I longed for the silly crooked grin I'd grown attached to. The kissing filled me with warmth, but never excited my heart in any way.

The eyes were what broke the camel's back. Late one night, down on First Beach, in the firelight, I stared into Jacob's dark eyes. I stared until the tears blinded me, burning away my vision and spilling out. I ran, he followed, begging me to tell him what was wrong. I ran to my truck and went home. I didn't want to look back at those not gold-brown eyes. I didn't.

It wasn't easy, but I was able to ignore him. It wasn't hard to convince Charlie to upgrade our phone service to include Caller I.D. He hated wondering whether it was his best friend calling, or just another telemarketer. Once that was done, I was always the first to the phone when it started ringing. Jacob called a lot, but Charlie didn't bother to check when I told him I didn't recognize the number. Why should he?

That protected me for about a week. Then Jake showed up at my school, waiting for me in front of the parking lot. His home-made Rabbit followed me to my usual space, making sure I had no escape. I'd almost made it to the school doors when he caught up with me and demanded an explanation. Big mistake.

I told him plainly (and loudly) that I didn't like him anymore. I told him he was a creep, I didn't like him stalking me and that if he didn't leave me alone, I was going to call the police, or worse, Charlie. The whole school, packed full of gossipers and busybodies, had surrounded us by the time I finished. Jacob stood there, shame-faced, until his gaze fell to the ground. A few seconds later, he started running, trying his best to force his lanky body through the tight-packed crowd.

And that was really the last I've seen of Jacob. Billy and Charlie still hang out occasionally, and I could tell that Billy was doing his best to avoid me. I guess I did feel a little bad about poor, heart-broken Jake. But it was hard to care much about him while my own heart trailed after a vampire.

My next sacrifice was even easier. Mike Newton came up to me after Jacob left and asked "Hey, Bella. What was that all about?"

I just turned and asked him if he wanted to go out for dinner sometime. Jessica almost screamed and Mike was barely able to stammer out a 'yes.' I guess he was feeling pretty good about himself; in his eyes, I'd probably dumped Jacob because I couldn't get up the courage to ask HIM out.

Maybe that was why I didn't feel so bad when I kicked him to the curb two weeks later.

-

It was a ruthless, massacre of a cycle. Seems Edward (During these times in-between boytoys, it was easier to think his name. But I never try to actually say it.) was right, the boys of Forks High School pined after me for some strange reason. But it didn't bother me anymore; it just made my new life easier.

After Mike, I moved on to Eric, then Andrew, my new lab partner in Physics. Once I ran out of boys I knew, I systematically used and abused the rest of the guys in the senior class. Most didn't last a week, none of them made it to a month. One boy, whats-his-name, was officially dumped before the end of the school day. When that source ran out, I had to start dipping into the underclassmen. But those kids never lasted more than a few class periods; I had decided to abstain from any relationships with those kids after four days. So, I'd resulted to taking away the boyfriend of the one girl who didn't hate me: Angela.

Naturally, it didn't take long for me to develop a reputation as a man-stealer and a whore. Strangely though, it didn't make getting guys any harder, but now all I got were dirty looks from the other girls. Stupid bitches, like it was my fault they couldn't hang onto their men.

I slowed down at a stoplight, halfway home from dumping Ben when the nausea hit me. I've become to bitter lately, so cynical. And now I'm getting depressed, just like always. God, what am I doing…? No wonder Edward left me. Look at this ugly thing I've become.

I jammed my foot on the gas half a second before the light turned and raced home, daring any small town cop to pull me over for breaking the damn speed limit by 6 miles per hour. Like always, I made it home without incident and ran upstairs, straight to the bathroom.

I fell to my knees, flung my upper body over the toilet and began to empty the contents of my stomach. Twenty minutes later, I was laying face-down on the cold tile floor, breathing heavily. My guilt was almost doubled when I thought of poor Angela, how terrible she looked the first day after Ben and I started dating. I could practically hear my organs sloshing around as I stood up and stumbled over to the bathtub, turning on the shower. I just managed to shrug out of my jacket, shoes and socks before I climbed in, letting the freezing cold water wash over me.

I laid down in the bottom of the tub for a while, my eyes closed as I cried. My body shivered, but I was used to the cold. Cold… Cold like Edward's body, his breath. I felt the bile rise in my throat once again as I struggled to the temperature control for the water. By the time I reclined back, the showerhead was spilling out scalding hot swells down on me. I let the sensation burn away all thought, and my eyes drifted shut once again.

-

I woke up to Charlie's voice, followed by an annoying banging on the bathroom door. "Bella!? Bella, are you okay!?"

My eyes worked themselves open, each lid weighed down with drowsiness. "I'm fine, Dad! Just taking my shower a little early tonight!" He didn't answer; my response seemed to have placated him. The water was ice cold; I must have been asleep for hours. I slowly stood up and stepped out of the tub, shedding my waterlogged clothing and wrapping a towel around my naked body. I shut the water off and easily snuck back to my room.

After taking a moment to dry off, the discarded towel hit the wall as it slid into my empty laundry hamper. I'd left the rest of my clothes hanging out to dry. Renee had sent me a message, but it was only a few minutes old, she could wait for my response just a little longer.

I lifted up my mattress and found it. The scrapbook Renee had sent me, the one Edward had stolen all my memories from. Only now it was no longer empty. Before I'd started my bloody crusade, going through guys like a pothead through joints, I'd begged Angela to let me destroy all of her old yearbooks. In them, I'd rediscovered my love. Three identical pictures of the same boy. Same hair, same eyes, same small smile, it was my Edward, preserved unknowingly in these pages.

In addition to the three by-class pictures, I'd found two of him in the 'cafeteria' section, one in the 'between classes' section, and one side glimpse of his face along with the rest of the Cullen kids winning the 'sweetest car' award for Rosalie's red convertible.

I hugged the book to my chest, its cool binding giving my bare skin goosebumps. My most prized possession, more valuable to me than any piece of jewelry, was this tiny collection of yearbook pictures I'd had blown up. Just being near it made my heart pound.

"Edward… Edward…" I mumbled as I laid down sideways on my bed, squeezing the book tighter. More tears stung my eyes, and I let them fall. "Edward…" Please don't hate me.

Another night of skipped homework I didn't care about, Charlie won't check on me, he's stopped doing that lately. Some random bit of logic warned me that falling asleep damp and naked in Forks, Washington was just asking for a cold, but, God, I don't care! Edward is here with me, nothing else matters.

_Well, tada! I really hope you guys like it, I do. This first chapter seems really introverted and there are, what, like 5 sentences of dialogue? Well, don't worry. This chapter was just explaining things up until this point, I predict a lot more action, and probably drama in the future, and I should know! Once again, read and review. It'll make me smile. :) Oh, but no flames, okay? It might be a day or two before the next update, but reviews make me work faster!_

_Here you go:_

_Next Chapter: Practical Approach- Dying, followed by a tantrum, apparent statutory, being cruel and then haughty, a radical idea. _


	3. Practical Approach

_Here it is: Chapter 2, Practical Approach. Sorry it took so long, but you'll find that it is a lot longer. Not sure yet if there will be more chapters this long yet. I really hope you guys like it, I worked pretty darn hard on it. I'll warn you first though, Bella gets a little weird in this chapter, a lot weird actually. It might creep you out some too. That's what I was going for. So if you start to get weirded out, please just keep reading. She changes back to regular Bella in the next chapter._

_Before you get into the story, though, I have one thing to say. I've checked my stats, and I saw that a lot of people have read 'A Capella Luctuoso' since I first submitted it, and you don't know how happy that makes me. Some of those people even favorited it, or put it on a story alert list. That makes me feel really honored. Now, I hate to stick a but on the end, so I'll start a whole new sentence. But come on, guys. It's really not that hard for you to review. It's actually really easy! All you have to do is tell me what you like about the story, or what you don't like. That's it. My baby cousin does that all the time and he's four. So, I know you guys can handle it. You know who you are, so I won't take up your time by listing off a bunch of names when you could be reading the second chapter. Just please remember what I said, okay? Thank you!_

_Summary: Edward left Bella during New Moon and her way of coping with the loss causes her to be hated by everyone in Forks, including herself. All she wants is to be with Edward again, but would he even want to look at her after everything she's done?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in it._

A Capella Luctuoso

Practical Approach

It's been a few days since my break-up with Ben. I'm not sure how many; I don't keep track of time so well anymore. I did something drastic last night after Charlie fell asleep, so it figured that today would be a day when he wasn't gone when I woke up. I spent as much time as I could in the bathroom, but he was still there by the time I came downstairs to go to school. It was annoying, but I had to face him sooner or later. Hmm… let me see… Later. So I walked hurriedly through the kitchen, talking as fast as I could.

"Hey Dad, I need to get to school early today, so I'm going to grab something to eat on the way. Bye!" Of course, I wasn't fast enough, and I got a good look at his horrified face before I reached the doorway. I ran to my truck, jumped in and drove off, not bothering to buckle my seatbelt until I was two blocks away. I would definitely get an earful tonight, but for now, I just had to face school. Man, I wished I could just go back and face Charlie.

-

It wasn't nearly as bad as I'd thought. Sure all eyes were on me, just like the first day of school last year, but at least people knew better than to try and talk to me now. By second period, the staring was getting annoying. Even the teachers wasted a few minutes of class gaping at me. But it was okay. I could handle them alright, nothing really unbearable. Knowing my luck, I should've known it wouldn't last.

Jessica (Lauren was partly to blame to, but she didn't participate much.) was what picked me up and chucked me over the edge. I was just sitting at my desk, doodling in my notebook, when her annoyingly high-pitched voice squealed out. "OH! MY! GOD!"

I had to turn. I already knew what she was freaking out about, but I just had to check. My eyes locked on her, the spitting image of Munch's _The Scream_, looking right at me. Her stupid expression and Lauren's ditzy laughter, combined with the mounting agitation from my other classmates had unlocked my wrath. Suffering was unleashed on all.

"What!? What the hell is wrong with you? What, this? Never seen anyone dye their hair before? Look in the damn mirror, or did your roots just naturally turn brown?"

A bit of color flared up in her cheeks, but whether it was because of the embarrassment or anger, I'm not sure. "What is with you, Bella!? Why are you such a bitch now!? And what's with that color? _Strawberry-_blonde? Is that some new condition for being a slut!?"

"You're fat mouth is really getting on my nerves, _Jess, _so shut it unless you want a fat lip!" Her hand shot out so fast, I didn't even notice until it slapped me across the face. She wasn't very strong, but the surprise caused me to stumble back a little. My eyes and fury ignited, I raised my fist up-

"Enough! Ladies, that's quite enough! Get over here." The teacher made a commanding gesture toward his desk and we approached, sending filthy looks at each other the whole time. He wrote us both up and we were escorted to the principal's office by one of Forks High School's two security guards. Jessica went in first; I took the time to curl into a tight ball on the wooden bench outside the office, struggling to get my emotions under control. My head was squeezed as far between my legs as I could manage, the tears were already starting to slip out. I was SO angry, I wanted to rip the stupid bench apart, but contented myself to grinding my teeth.

Normally I would've just ignored that kind of thing, but these times between boyfriends made me feel… unstable. I cried a lot, got angry easier, but nothing like this had ever happened before. Of course, I hadn't gone so long without a male sacrifice for my emotions before. Three days, the most I'd ever gone before was 24 hours. I had been busy deciding who to pursue next. This tiny little town forced me to use every resource available, and it still let me down.

By the time Jessica left the room I'd managed to wipe away all traces of crying. I entered the office and sat down with the principal, where I told my side of the story and he reprimanded me. However, because of my spotless record, he left me off with an afterschool detention and a phone call to Charlie. Lovely.

-

I ate lunch alone, like I usually did when I wasn't dating anyone. When I was, we ate together, but still apart from anyone else. My hot head was able to cool a little bit, but not nearly enough. I was with Jessica next period too. By that point, I was pretty sure God hated me.

We were able to avoid each other for the first part of class, until the time came to split into groups. And wonder of wonders, we were grouped together at exactly the wrong time. Sure, everyone hated being paired with me. The girls hated me because of what I did to guys, and the boys shied away from the girl who broke their hearts. But still, these were extraordinary circumstances.

Civility couldn't have lasted long. As soon as our eyes locked, both of our tempers flared up. One little decision about the group project was all it took. We easily got into a heated, but quiet, debate about it. At least, until Jessica realized that I was winning.

"Shut UP!" She practically yelled, shooting out of her seat. I was standing just seconds after her.

"Yeah, how about YOU shut up!"

"You shut up!"

Damn, even this terribly lame fight was grinding my gears until they broke. I wanted her to shut up, I didn't want to say it again, and goddammit, I wanted to get rid of all these ugly emotions.

So, I tackled her to the ground.

She screamed and tried to scratch at me, but I just got hold of her hair in a vice grip and started pulling.

For the second time that day, I was escorted away by the school's security guards.

-

I'm glad I got suspended. I wouldn't have wanted to go to school today anyway.

Charlie got his parenting moment; he had to come pick me up at school (While he was on duty. Gasp!) and take me home. Naturally, he chewed me out the whole way. I focused on the sound of his cruiser's engine and it wasn't too hard to tune him out. Once we got inside the house it was almost impossible.

He ranted on and on about how he knew I was better than this, that I should be better than this. After he criticized almost every single decision I'd made in the last week or two, he started on some long spiel about drugs, even though I assured him I wasn't that stupid. Then he just had to bring up that fact that I hadn't done anything like this before Edward left.

My head was already in turmoil, now he might as well have shoved a knife in my heart. I choked and ran upstairs, tears running down my face. I stayed locked in my room for the rest of the night, all the way up until I'd heard Charlie leave for the station early this morning.

Why was I such a horrible person? Even ignoring what happened yesterday, why was I really ruining my life? Dating any guy I meet, then cruelly dumping him as soon as I started comparing him to my Edward (The name hurt me again.), I'm such a terrible person…

But why? Really, why was I doing this? Maybe it was because of Edward's last wish that I fall in love with some other guy and be happy without him, since he was so sure that I could. Maybe I was trying to find that guy, maybe that would make Edward happy… A much more likely reason was being whispered by that dark, cynical part of my brain. I was probably going through so many guys in some feeble attempt to spite Edward, to say 'You were wrong. I went through all these boys and I never felt ANYTHING for ANY of them! No one but you!'

I'm such an ugly person.

-

Life as a delinquent is so boring. I can only sleep in for so long before I have to get up and do something, but even then, there's nothing to do! I have no friends and I'm not dating anyone right now, even if I was they'd be in school right now. I don't watch TV, I'm already ahead on the reading list for English… I don't know how these other kids stand it.

I shouldn't have dyed my hair. I knew it was stupid, but I'd gone so long without a distraction from Edward (Ouch…) that mind my had started to wander. I thought about the things he told me. About the vampire clan living in Denali, the beautiful, strawberry-blonde Tanya that had come onto him. If Edward had been here, he would have soothed me, ease me of any suspicion and told me he loved me. But I was alone, and my mind was free to continue it's horrible imaginings. I'd wondered if Edward was trying to be happy without me, if maybe he had met up with Tanya and…

I was irrational and stupid, but it was enough to make me run out to a salon, buy a bottle of hair dye, and do something really dumb. That fact that I understood this now was enough to let me go back to that salon and buy another bottle of dye. I didn't want to overdo it, but the first time it came out dirty-blonde, so I went all out and was back to my original hair color before Charlie got home. I was going to look so stupid, leaving school with my dyed hair and coming back normal. If anyone was stupid enough to ask, I'll tell them Charlie made me do it.

Since I'm a bad egg and I have no life, there's not much else to do but contemplate my situation. I was officially out of potential boyfriends. Ben was the last senior guy in Forks, and I'd only waited so long to take him because I still felt some lingering sense of friendship for Angela. Poor Angela, she can't even bear to look at me anymore.

But now what was I going to do? I can't date those underclassmen anymore; I lose more than I gain by doing that. They're so immature compared to him… But, I guess you can't even really try to compare the maturity levels of a 17 year old boy and a hundred-something immortal vampire. But still, all they focus on is making out and getting into my pants. Are all boys naturally like that? Obsessed over sex? Well, that's unfair, some girls I know… used to know were just as crazy about it. Maybe they grow out of it as they grow older…

Bang! That's when it hit me!

An older guy! If the data followed the pattern; that I stayed with them longer as they got older, then a man even older than 18 was the next practical approach! Oh, I was getting dizzy from my discovery. It was so obvious now!

I was determined now, and, hell, I figured the older the better. A few potential targets entered my mind, but this would take a lot of careful planning, especially with Charlie on the lookout after the incident with Jessica.

But surely, surely this was the answer I'd been looking for!

-

It had taken most of my week of suspension, but I'd finally settled on my man. Arnold Grayson, age 39, divorced, no kids, and best of all, he kept to himself a lot. There were a lot of single Guys in Forks, but it would be hard for them to keep our relationship from Charlie, a lot harder than it was to keep any other secret around here. I guess it didn't matter if anyone found out; I was 18, a legal adult! But… Charlie's reaction and the rest of the town, and Arnold's… Much better to keep it a secret!

But it could work! My confidence was soaring, I hadn't puked all week and I'd only cried twice. I must be getting closer to happiness bit by bit, what else could it be? Maybe Edward had known it would be like this all along, that I would keep looking until I proved him right. I was already tired of teenage boys before he left, so he probably figured I would try something like this sooner or later. Yes! It makes sense!

Oh, God. I can think his name now without cringing. I must be getting better. That little logical part of my brain warned me that trying to approach a secretive, 39 year old divorced man was reeeeally stupid. But logic be damned! I'd rather take a chance at happiness that stay miserable because I'm afraid of the risks.

What's gotten into me lately? I'm so… strange.

-

Two weeks passed after my suspension before Charlie trusted me enough to let me leave the house after school. It took another three days of digging to find a good place to ambush Arnold. Then I waited for the next Saturday night to set my plan into action. This weird little kid I'd become, thought it was kind of cool, like a spy or something. I'd calmed down since my initial realization, but everyone could feel my little aura of excitement.

Every single day, Arnold went to the Speedway for a cup of coffee at around nine o'clock. So, at eight-thirty, I parked my truck in the corner of the gas station's parking lot. As soon as I spotted Arnold's little white Sedan turn its blinker on, I pulled up by a pump. Four and a half minutes later, he was coming back from buying his coffee when I approached him.

"Hey, do you have a sec?" He seemed startled in an unnatural way, like he never expected anyone to talk to him, ever. "Look, this is really embarrassing, but I'm two bucks short for my gas."

"O-oh… I'm sorry." That was it. He didn't say anymore. Wow.

"Um, do you think you could lend me the money? I'll pay your back, I promise. I'm Chief Swan's daughter, Bella." I was a little thrown off. He's such a weird guy, but he just seems a little out of the loop about everything. I wasn't really getting a bad vibe from him…

"Uh…" He paused and started digging around in his pockets. He pulled out a five dollar bill and held it out for me. "That's all I have. You can have it." I hadn't been expecting him to be so generous, but that worked out really well for my plan.

"Oh, thanks. You're a lifesaver!" I took the bill and shoved it in my pocket before speaking again. "Look, I feel really bad about this. Hey, I know. Why don't I take you out for coffee sometime? It's my treat, as thanks for taking care of me." He was dumbstruck and wide-eyed, and he just stood there staring at me, like he was waiting for me to burst out laughing and say he'd been punked.

I waited for another moment before I started to back away casually. "Okay, how about tomorrow, 4 o'clock at Forks Coffee Shop. I'll see you there." I hurried away, partly so he wouldn't get a chance to decline my offer, partly because I was afraid my terrible acting skills would ruin my plan. I jumped in my truck and put it in drive, shooting out of the station. I hope Arnold didn't notice that I didn't even use the money he'd given me. I risked a glance out my window and saw him stumble trying to get into his car. I had to laugh at that; he was a funny kind of old guy.

-

I arrived at the coffee shop a twenty till four and got a table. I didn't want to scare him away, or worse, make my motives obvious, so I'd just put on an old pair of jeans, a T-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. But I wanted just a little flare, so I added a little blush to my cheeks, put on some eye liner and wore the silver cross earrings Renee got me for my 16th birthday.

He arrived exactly at 4, so I assumed he was a little anal. His face fell a little when he saw me already there, but he walked over confidently and sat down across from me in the booth. I gave him a strained smile and waved at the waitress. She took our order and went off behind the counter.

Surprisingly, Arnold was the one to start the chat. "So, how have you been? Since yesterday." He clarified, looking a little disappointed at his poor conversation topic.

"Fine, fine. Oh, here's your money back." I placed the same bill he'd handed me yesterday on the table in front of him. He carefully reached out and took it, keeping his eyes near the table.

I was a little reserved about this, but I assured myself that he would fall just like all the other boys. I brushed a bit of my hair out of my face, let my eyelids droop until they were half shut and licked my lips. His gaze followed my movements and he practically cringed at the tiny popping sound when I smack my lips together.

"You know, now that I think about it, I don't know much about you. Where do you work?" I already knew, but rule one was that I always stay interested in HIM.

"I-in the Sterling Savings Bank on South Forks Avenue." He stuttered. "Um, do you have a job?"

"I help out now and then with the Newton's supply store." I'd already prepared for this situation; he was trying to shift focus to me. Practice had taught me that it was best to shoot it right back at him. "So what are you doing next Friday night?" Oh, his heart must have stopped. He looked so shaken I thought he might cry. I mentally chastised myself, that would have been easy for a younger guy, but I was going to have to change it around for Arnold. "My friends are going to Port Angeles to see some terrible movie, and I don't have anything else to do. Maybe we could spend some more time together?" I leaned forward, parted my lips and rested my chin on my upturned palm. Hook. "This town is so boring without someone to hang out with, and you're really fun." Line. "Come on, pleeeeease?" And sinker.

"S-sure, I'm free." God, he was blushing. Are all men so easy? "There's a nice fishing spot on the Quillayute River that has a pretty view. We could go there."

"Oh, that sounds great!" Even I could hear how fake my enthusiasm sounded, but Arnold either didn't notice or wasn't paying attention. He looked a little more inflated that when he'd walked in.

I jumped, pretending to be startled. I pulled out my turned-off cell phone and opened it up, widening my eyes unrealistically. "Oh, I forgot!" I stood and walked over to his side of the table, scribbling down my address. "I have to go, sorry. But here, that's my house. Charlie is going fishing down in La Push Friday, so why don't you show up around seven? I'll be waiting." I gave him a smile so fake it made ME hurt, but Arnold as beaming and nodded.

I walked out at a normal speed before sprinting to my truck. I was hysterical; it took everything I had to keep from laughing. He hadn't even noticed that I'd walked out and left him with the bill. What an idiot!

I was nearly home when the guilt hit. God, I'm such a manipulative user. I felt sick, but the nausea was kept at bay by my hopes for Friday. Surely I would feel better with Arnold. I'd be happy and I'd forget Ed-

I struggled to straighten the steering wheel after I'd veered out into the other lane. His name, not even finished in my mind had caused a red hot iron bar to shove itself deep into my chest. I couldn't even make it home before the tears began to fall.

-

The week passed without incident. Even though I'd more than mellowed out since my fight with Jessica, people were still freaked out by me. I ignored them, like I would any other group of gawking losers. Gawking NICE losers. Everybody in this school, this town, was so nice, except for me, of course. One drop of black ink on an otherwise pure white piece of paper.

-

I knew I might not get home before Charlie, so I fed him some story about me going to try and make up with Jessica. When I'll eventually tell him it didn't work out, he wouldn't ask her mom my story was true.

I was pretty sure Arnold knew my intentions, but just in case, my outfit would make it clear. Through the combined power of the wardrobe Alice had given me before they… And the mountain of cosmetics Renee had been trying to put on me since I was six, I was sure he'd get the message.

Once again, Arnold arrived exactly on time. That little anal aspect would surely get annoying, but I could live with it. He took a moment to ogle me and the large amount of skin showed off by the miniskirt and halter top I was wearing. I snapped him out of it by taking my keys out of my purse. He seemed a little anxious about riding in my truck, so I hopped in his sedan and let him drive me.

It turns out my intuition was right about him, he was just a weird-in-a-good-way guy. He made corny jokes the whole ride, so stupid that I just had to laugh. It helped to ease my mind; I was still considering the possibility that as soon as we were alone he'd reveal that he was a serial killer or a cannibal or something.

We made it down to the river and sat in the grass, after he laid out a blanket for me. We talked about the weather, which was unusually dry. I whispered a silent thank you to the rain clouds that had chosen to avoid Forks on that day, or else my outfit would have been idiotically impractical.

I learned that he had pets: a dog, six fish, and two canaries. He also loved the Steelers, graduated from Washington University, was addicted to sushi and had an odd taste for German music.

My heart swelled, but it had little to do with Arnold. I was the happiest I'd been in months simply because I couldn't make any comparisons between this man and _him. _There wasn't any reminder in Arnold's round face or his deep voice or his blonde-grey hair. I felt like dancing and singing! I was free from that pain, free forever!

-

After three hours of talking, I decided to head home. I'd become much more casual around Arnold, I didn't need to act as much to keep him there, which was a blessing itself. He drove me home, and I sighed with relief when I saw that Charlie wasn't back yet. I hadn't been sure I'd be able to talk my way out of this situation.

Arnold walked me to the door and said goodnight in a very gentlemanly way. I knew what I had to do next, and I really didn't have to force myself this time. I leaned forward and kissed him, then slowly closed the door in his face.

That night, I had a wonderful sleep. I didn't dream at all, there was just a void of blackness that swallowed me and cradled me as I slept.

-

Keeping secrets in Forks, especially from the Chief of Police, was always hard. But Arnold proved to be a reliable choice in that respect. We've been dating for nearly a month without ANYONE finding out.

After that first kiss, I'd ambushed him at the Speedway again and driven back to his home. We talked for a while before I kissed him again. He was gentle, so unlike those kids I'd been dating. He held me in his arms and touched out lips together. His kisses were slow, sweet and long.

After that, we went on a few trips back to the river and talked, in-between make-out sessions, of course. Eventually he was brave enough to take me to Port Angeles to see an R-rated movie with me, and then we started going to Seattle for restaurants and dancing.

I wasn't becoming bored with him like I was with the others. He wasn't particularly interesting, but I could make myself believe that I loved all his stories. I laughed with him, instead of just smiling. I smiled real smiles instead of ugly fake ones. I was probably closer to being happy than I ever was with those other substitutes.

I had a date with Arnold Saturday; we were going to a play in Port Angeles, _The Tempest _by Shakespeare. He said it was formal dress, he was wearing a tux. I decided on a black dress Alice had forced on me for some event last year and tied my hair up in a bun. Charlie, though he had grown used to my cycle of boyfriends and hardly even noticed who I was dating, was still surprised to see me all dressed up. He made some mumbled comment about me looking beautiful before I left. I'd warned Arnold that Charlie was staying home that night, so I was going to meet him at a restaurant in the city for dinner before the show.

I pulled into C'est Si Bon's parking lot. It was a nice little French restaurant, one that I chose. Arnold had originally wanted to go to Bella Italia, but I'd vetoed that idea in a heartbeat. That place held a memory, and one was far too many.

I saw Arnold already seated when I entered and I made my way over to him. His smiling face was so happy, I had to grin back. Like always, we got a few stares from the nosy gossipers, but we'd built up a tolerance for them. I was a legal adult; they could cry themselves to sleep over the fact that they could report Arnold to the police for statutory rape.

Our meal was fine, but the word 'delicious' eluded me. After that, he escorted me to his car, held open the passenger side door, and we were off to the theater. Luckily, the play was much better than I'd expected. I could laugh at the parts that were funny and deafen my ears during the romantic parts. I could smile and clap hard in my attempt to free Prospero from the island.

A fine night, one that had left my chuckling and bubbly. My life was so livable now, and I was so gullible. It's no wonder Fate decided to rip my happiness to pieces.

-

It happened after the play. We'd decided to go for a walk around town before heading back to his car. We were standing in front of an apartment building, under a bright streetlight when He stopped to talk to me.

"Bella…" He started, then took a deep breath and continued. "You know… I really like you, a lot."

"I like you too." I said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, which it kind of was.

"Do you really mean that?" I told his yes, and he took a moment to compose himself. "Then… I really think I should properly meet your father. As your boyfriend."

My heart froze over. "What?" Ed… _He _had made such a similar request once, a lump the size of a bowling ball formed in my throat. I could talk him out of it, right? I'd sooth him and make him forget all about this stupid idea. I'd still be happy; I wouldn't have to cry anymore.

"Bella, I… I love you. I love you so much. I want to meet your father and your mother. I want to be with you anytime I want, without all the secrecy. I…" His voice hitched in his throat. "I think I want to marry you."

All the warmth drained out of my body. My eyes burned and I quickly blinked away any tears that might have been forming. "You want to…" I stopped and realized I'd been staring holes into the sidewalk. I look up at his expectant face, excitement barely concealed by a mask of uncertainty. I felt sick.

"Never speak to me again." I hissed.

"Wh-what?" Poor Arnold looked terrified; his eyes were wide like a deer in headlights, his lips quivering. My mouth twisted in disgust.

"I said, never talk to me again. Leave me alone."

"Bella, why are you saying this?" That did it. I was used to boys understanding that I was dumping them with those words. But Arnold was clueless about what a terrible person I really was. I was angry and sad and I was going to MAKE him understand.

"Because, gramps!" I snapped. "I don't want to see your ugly face again! I don't want to hear your nasty voice or smell your disgusting breath. And If I have to taste your gross spit in my mouth one more time, I'm gonna puke!"

I whirled around and started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm. "Please, Bella, I'm sorry, I-"

"Help! Somebody help me! Rape! Help me!" Arnold snatched his hand away before I could finish screaming. I took a moment to smirk before I spit on his face. "Stupid asshole," I sneered, wiping my mouth. "If you ever try to talk to me again, I'll tell Charlie you're stalking me." That was all the warning I intended to give. I turned back around and walked off into the night.

-

I made it three blocks before a thousand pound weight dropped onto me. I fell to my knees, dirtying the beautiful dress and stabbing myself on the roughly paved sidewalk. The small bit of makeup I'd applied earlier that night smeared as the tears flooded down my cheeks.

I was able to crawl into a dark alley and collapse on the ground before that beautiful French cuisine from C'est Si Bon splattered all over the cement. Once the vomit stopped coming I curled into a ball and cried. I could walk back to the restaurant and drive home eventually, but it would be a while.

Guilt was punching me again and again; in my stomach, my heart and my face. "Edward… EDWARD!!" I wailed, too far gone to even wince at the name. "Edward! I'm sorry, Edward! Don't hate me!!"

-

Somehow I made it home. I never glance at a clock, even as I ran upstairs, past a suspicious Charlie, to my room. I locked the door and pulled out the scrapbook, finding the enlarged image of Edward's sophomore year picture.

Shame flooded over me. I could feel Edward's perfect face, his all-seeing eyes boring into me, judging my sins. I slammed the book shut and hid it, unable to escape those eyes. Every time I tried to sleep I saw him, his lip curled in disgust at this person I've become.

I cried until I ran out of tears, then collapsed from exhaustion.

_Whew! Done! Wow, this chapter was nearly ten pages, a personal best. I'm so proud of me! I really hope everyone liked this chapter; I expanded on Bella's darker nature while trying to show how hard she was trying to get over Edward. If you didn't like if (Which I can totally understand, I can't please everyone) then I beg you to read the next chapter anyway. Like I said, Bella returns to the way she was in the first chapter. I'll try and update sooner this time, but you never know… It should be faster, since I don't think chapter 3 will be nearly this long. And please remember what I said: Read and Review! I'll love you forever!_

_Next Chapter: Dirty Dancing- Compromise, clubbing and censorship, shortness of breath._


	4. Dirty Dancing

_And this is chapter 3. Sorry it took so long. I had an argument with myself about the plot, and then there were just more important things in my life that writing fan fiction. But, phew, luckily that's over. :3_

_This one has a couple of warnings, unfortunately. Firstly, this chapter is the only one so far that I would rate 'Teen' for any reason other than language. This chapter has a very brief depiction of intimate, erotic behavior, what most would call sexual harassment. This is the only chapter that will have such a scene. I really don't think it's that big a deal, but I'm not all of you, so I don't know whether someone might be offended by that or not. Also, there is a special character in this chapter from New Orleans. So, naturally he speaks Cajun. Cajun is different from the actual French from France, but anyone who speaks the Parisian version should be able to understand the new character. For those who don't, I'll include a translation for everything he says at the end of the chapter for reference._

_I was so happy to receive a few reviews after chapter 2, which both praised me and extended advice on my writing. Seriously, that warm, sizzling feeling I get when someone cars enough to review my work is one of my most cherished emotions. So, everybody else, don't be shy! Go ahead and click that 'review' button. You'll only make me happier! Oh, but NO flames whatsoever, or I'll get Miss Cleo to curse you with a fraud charge in a district court._

_Summary: Edward left Bella during New Moon and her way of coping with the loss causes her to be hated by everyone in Forks, including herself. All she wants is to be with Edward again, but would he even want to look at her after everything she's done?_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in it._

A Capella Luctuoso

Dirty Dancing

My anger and subsequent depression after the incident with Arnold could only be worsened by what happened next.

After soothing Charlie's anxiety over my late return and poor condition, I'd spent the rest of the weekend in my room, moving from the bed to the computer. While in bed, I could only sleep, cry, or think about either my immoral life or the life I so wanted to return to.

Edward's name only stimulated a dull ache in my chest now, but even that pain was too unbearable for me to handle. I tried not to think about it, but it's pretty impossible to not think about my hero, my miracle, the only thing I've ever wanted to think about.

I hardly did anything at the computer, I mainly just argued with myself over if I should do anything. Occasionally I would work up a scrap of courage, just enough to type a word into the search engine and hit enter. "Cullen."

Just like with everything I searched, a million pages with possible matches showed up, none of them were what I wanted. I don't care about David Cullen the guitarist or Cullen and Dykman LLP, and I certainly didn't want to read about Frankie Cullen in "Hotel Erotica."

My fingers were always too slow; they couldn't ever manage to type 'Dr. Cullen,' or 'Carlisle Cullen hospital' before I lost my nerve and moved back to the bed.

Sunday and Monday (We had the day off for some holiday I don't care about) passed exactly like that. I guess that with those two melancholy days, something was bound to happen to me. I just never expected what.

-

It happened right after second period. I'd just dropped a few books off at my locker and stopped to get a drink of water when I saw him. There, right in the middle of the hallway, his back to me, wearing his favorite shirt, walking away with more grace than any dancer…

I could have been blind in one eye and still have recognized Edward from behind. His lithe form flowed like water around the packed hallway, avoided the other students like they weren't even there. I could spy his perfect white hands and neck, his strong arms and beautiful hair.

A fire was burning behind my eyes, tears already escaping. My heart nearly exploded, it was beating so fast. I opened my mouth to call out to him, but the joy scorched my throat, stole my voice. I could only manage a few rasping sounds, drowned out by some klutzy girl dropping all of her makeup.

I naturally did the only thing possible, I ran after him. I don't know whether the other kids were able to leap out of my way or if I just ran around them, but my path was unobstructed as I raced after him. He stayed a considerable distance ahead of me, but I was slowly gaining distance.

Suddenly, he started running, but it was still at a human speed. I was falling behind now, but I was somehow able to keep him in my sight as he ran into the boy's bathroom. My brain started spinning, since when did he need to use the bathroom? But my heart took over and pushed my legs on as I flew into the bathroom after him. A part of me was a little worried, a girl in the boy's restroom? But, hell, Edward was here! I'd follow him down a damn toilet!

The bathroom looked the same as the girl's, but with blue tile instead of red. Personally, I liked it a little better. Edward was standing at the far side, away from the stalls and urinals, facing a wall. "Ed…" I couldn't finish the name. He was right there, so close. If I took three more steps forward, I would have been able to touch him, but my feet were cemented to the ground.

He turned to face me, slowly, so slowly. He didn't move his body, just twisted his head around to stare at me with cold, hateful eyes. I started to choke on my own breath as his lips curled back to reveal his perfect white teeth. "Go away," He hissed, his bark full of more venom than his bite. "Don't talk to me ever again."

The world, the whole goddamn world, shattered into nothingness.

Edward wasn't there anymore. Instead, standing in his place, was Jacob, his big black eyes flooded with hurt. But then his face contorted with rage, and he punched me in the mouth. I'd collapsed to the ground by the time Mike appeared, giving me a sharp kick in the ribs. Then Eric, then Drew, Jon, Sam, Evan, Jared, Kevin… Every single boy I'd ever used appeared, his misery terrorizing my heart just before his anger attacked my body. Jeremy, Todd, Ben, Arnold…

I screamed, my voice ragged and broken up by coughing fits. "No! I'm sorry! Please stop! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, I didn't-"

Something grabbed my shoulders and started shaking me violently. My eyes struggled to open (when did I close them?) and I saw the principal kneeling over me. I was in the boy's bathroom, lying on the floor, the school staff watching me worriedly while the students crowded around the doorway, trying to get a good look at me.

My face burned, my heart was racing and my breathing grew heavy. I passed out.

-

I must be going crazy; any half-wit could tell I'm just a few months away from a nice white jacket and an all-expenses-paid vacation to the loony bin.

Charlie couldn't see it for some reason, and he was fervent in his defense that I'd just had a seizure because of the fluorescent lights being too bright in the hallway. I knew better of course. Charlie had all but forced me to skip school the next day, and I didn't put up too much fake resistance. I wanted to be alone, to grieve the loss of my sanity, to beg Edward for his forgiveness, anything but feel those mocking eyes on my back all day long.

Arnold still haunted my mind, his face as I ripped apart his happiness and dignity. The dull ache in my chest was bearable, but it just wouldn't go away. I wanted to stay in bed forever. The warm blankets held no ill will toward me. They didn't hate me. That was enough for me to love them. But when I could no longer sleep, only lie awake in bed, my mind had the sick sense of humor to feed me wrenching images in my mind. I could be lying with Edward, his arms wrapped around me. I could curl into his chest and feel his cool breath on my hair. But when I opened my eyes, I wasn't.

I climbed out of bed, my hair a mess, wearing the same jeans and T-shirt I'd worn to school yesterday. I took a moment to work my belt back through the loops of my pants, and then slide the jeans off. Charlie was gone, and what use was modesty anymore?

I cut my fingernails, then my toenails, and then I filed both into perfect curves. I brushed my teeth, washed my hair and face, then I got dressed and sat down on the sofa. It'd been almost an hour since I'd gotten out of bed, and I was out of things to do. I began to grieve for Arnold; he was such a nice guy. Why did he have to get sucked up into my terrible little game? Why am I such a monster?

I wiped the tears from my eyes, but when did I start crying? My throat burned, I needed water, so I stumbled to the kitchen. The fire was building, scorching flames raced up my esophagus, no time to dig around for a cup; I simply stuck my head under the sink's faucet and turned the water on.

After putting out my throat fire, I stood back up. Big mistake. The world started spinning and I grabbed the kitchen counter to keep from collapsing when my knees suddenly gave out.

"What do you want from me?" I hissed, the fire already finding its way back to my throat. "What can I do to please you? I'd-" My vision blurred, my lip was trembling. I spent another twelve minutes kneeling on the icy tiled floor, crying.

-

I'd weakly returned to the couch, still sniffling. The fire had moved into my stomach, but the flames had cooled. My breathing was slowly returning to normal as I lay down and closed my eyes, willing the pain away.

I'd decided that my episode in the bathroom was just a side-effect from the guilt. I didn't hear any whisperings from the walls, no more hallucinations. Maybe I was just feeling so terrible, wanting so much to see him, I just…

I can't ever last too long without a sacrifice; I NEED someone to keep the pain away. The guilt I suffered over Arnold collected with the growing ocean inside of me, slowly eroding my sanity. I wanted someone new, but I was at a loss. Who was left?

Even if there were any boys left in my school, I could never return to them, not after Arnold. Those little kids were awkward, pubescent, and totally focused on getting into my pants. Just thinking about them made me sick. And Arnold had made me wary of going after any old guys. Maybe he was just a unique kind of gramps, but his brain zeroed in on a commitment, and a huge one at that. I didn't want ANY kind of commitment; I just wanted the hurt to go away.

I guess it's a good thing, then, that Arnold got away. I'd never be able to give him what he wanted. I'll console myself with that thought.

But now I'm stranded, in-between two pairs of teeth that want to either sex me up or marry me. I need some sort of compromise. I want someone who isn't focused on sex, but won't be immediately looking for a big commitment.

And then I got to thinking, Arnold did kind of jump to marriage pretty quickly. He was really old; maybe he's looking to marry the first girl who says yes, since he doesn't have much time left to find someone.

And then that led my stupid brain to believe that I could have a compromise. Guys who were almost twenty were too focused on sex. A guy who was almost forty was too focused on commitment. So, what if a guy who was almost thirty had the perfect balance?

It was tough to convince myself, I had a pretty good idea that guys were focused on sex no matter how old they were. I wasn't nearly as excited as when I thought to approach Arnold, but I was hopeful. I mean, hell, what else could go wrong in my screwed up life? Why not take a chance?

"My last chance…" I muttered. God, this really was my last chance.

-

Firstly, I had no idea where to meet guys. I tried going to a mall- all the way in Seattle- but the rare guy I saw there was either with some blonde bimbo or behind the counter of the Subway or Starbucks. The ONE I tried to approach asked me if I wanted to try some of his dad's whiskey, and then he got this creepy little look on his face.

I never was into guys all that much, I don't know where you go to get 'picked up.' The girls in Phoenix went on and on about their dates between bathroom stalls, but had never mentioned where they'd met. I spent six days wandering around towns, between cities, but nothing ever made me even slow down. All my hope was dwindling, and my pessimism started leaking back into my head.

It was completely by chance that I happened to take the scenic route home one day after school and spotted an unfamiliar building. I slowed down and pulled into the parking lot. Apparently, the grand opening of Fork's hottest new night club (I didn't know we had an old hottest one…) was Saturday. My stomach got queasy with the combination of irony and suspicion. This probably wasn't real, some evil demon bent on driving me insane probably built this, and then mind-controlled me into driving by it three days before it opened. It was probably watching me right now, wondering if I could see through its cheesy, overly convenient plot. Even the club's name sounded fake. _Fantecstasy…_

I asked Charlie about it when I got home that night. He was suspicious about why I was asking about the club, but he seemed contented when I told him that I was just curious. He was so easy to fool sometimes.

"Well, they started building it a few months ago, a bit after the Cul…" He paused, and I got the message. I'd missed it because I'd been way to far away from the world to care about something stupid like a nightclub. "You just have to be 18 to enter. Apparently, since the bouncers know everyone around town, no ID is necessary. As long as the bouncer knows you're 18 and the bartender knows you're not 21, you can get in." That was all he said in his disapproving tone of voice. Good old Charlie. No long, flowery explanation, just right to the point. I thanked him and went to my room.

I knew it was all a joke. Edward (Ow.) probably came back and saw the monster I am, then made the nightclub to confuse me and make me crazy. Maybe the club is a secret meeting place for non-vegetarian vampires like in that one movie with the Lestat guy, and they're just waiting for a stupid little snack to walk into their arms.

Or maybe it's God trying to give me a chance, even though I don't believe in Him. Maybe Charlie's been praying for me. Anyway, I'd already decided to take risks, going to a little nightclub in little Forks doesn't even register on my danger meter.

Well, with my decision made, I let my body do all the work to prepare for it while my mind sank further into turmoil without a guy for me to vent on.

Let what's coming to me come.

-

I decided not to go Saturday. Asking Charlie about the club, then disappearing the same night it opens would send out a warning flare in his parental mind. So, I tried to bear the terrible wait and go Sunday.

And boy, did I go all out. I took a moment to find a little cocktail dress Alice had dressed me up in once. It was… cute, I guess. A little too short for my taste, but it was the only thing I had that might be appropriate for a club. Renee's make-up mountain was included too, though only the lipstick. The problem was the shoes. I has boots and tennis shoes that WOULD NOT go with my outfit, or I could wear something from Prada with, like, 17-inch heels. I had a premonition of deep regret as I slipped the Prada heels on and left my room.

Charlie was sitting in the living room watching a game, and I was able to sneak past him to the door. "I'm going out, Dad." I called over my shoulder. He gave a quiet grunt before I closed the door and slipped over to my truck.

The drive was dull, and Steve the bouncer waved me into the club dismissively. He probably didn't expect much trouble from the daughter of the Police Chief.

The dance floor, which was pretty much the only floor, was fairly crowded. The walls buzzed as music blared out of several large speakers placed high up on the wall. Off in the distance, I could see a live band providing the noise. The flashing lights, red, pink, orange, were bound to give someone a seizure, so I made sure not to look directly at them.

I tried to fit into the dance, though all I could manage in my devil-spawn shoes was swinging my hips from side to side. When the creeps and losers started circling, I decided to head over to the area to the right of the bar, covered in shag carpeting and large, overstuffed couches. I reached a big red sofa and collapsed, already exhausted. I pulled off the shoes and started rubbing my sore feet. That's when I heard it.

"_Tres belle_…" I glanced up and locked eyes with a guy who, obviously trying to epitomize the phrase 'mysterious stranger,' had three beautiful girls crowded on a little loveseat with him. Clad in tight, black leather, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips, he smiled at me and stood up.

"Emile, don't go…" One of the girls cooed and rose to her feet, arms curling around the man- Emile's- neck.

He smiled a different, quirky little smile at her and removed her arms. "Leave me be, Lana. I have something to attend to."

Lana scowled. "Ah, you're going to do it again, huh? Maybe I should-"

"_Tais toi!_" He snapped, giving her a dirty look. Lana's face crumpled as she turned and started walking away. The man turned to the other girls who quickly shied away from him, eager to avoid his sharp tongue. "_Mon Dieu, sa fini pas_." He muttered with contempt before turning to me. "Hello, _cherie. Comment ça va_?"

I gave him an annoyed look, and he laughed. "What?" I asked, feeling hostile. My tone was pretty harsh, so he held up his hands defensively, but he kept that goofy grin on his face.

"_Je regrette_, I'm sorry, _cherie_. I seem to have been stunned by your beauty." Ugh, he talked in that awful Southern drawl; it really got on my nerves. "How are you? Need a hand?"

Before I could refuse him, he'd knelt down. After I DID refuse him, he still took my feet in his hands and started rubbing. "Oh…" I shut up and let the man work. It felt incredible, his hands caressed every little ache and pain in my feet until it'd changed into a warm, fuzzy feeling. I sighed in content.

Lost in my euphoric haze, he'd somehow gotten behind me and was working on my shoulders, after making a comment on how tense I was. He was just as talented with this kind of massage as he was with the last. Relaxation didn't even begin to describe the state I was in, my body just sort of melted wherever he touched into a soft, foamy mass.

In this relaxed state, I didn't notice the deadly glares I was getting from all the other girls in the club. I didn't find it strange at all when Emile started telling me about himself.

He was 27, from New Orleans, born and raised. Rich parents that didn't approve of his kleptomania and had lured him away from a life of crime into a never ending party. He'd moved to Forks on a whim to turn the town into something even a little interesting. So he'd built a nightclub and was already planning on a fabulous hotel.

Honestly, I really didn't care about his story; it was pretty boring to listen to him drone on about his big plans for Forks. He seemed pretty needy, an attention-whore for sure. But I was feeling so good… and I was already used to making appropriate oh's and ah's to keep people talking.

Somewhere, the massage stopped and he sat beside me, smiling. I opened my eyes, and surprisingly, discovered that I too was grinning subconsciously. When was the last time I did that?

That one thought sealed the deal. This man, Emile, who could make me smile without having to think about it, would be the next man I love.

We talked for a time, he mainly asked about me. At around one o'clock he glanced up at the still pumped crowd. "_J'ai faim_, let's get something to eat, _cherie_."I wanted to, God, did I. But now that he was a target, I couldn't seem too eager to get to Emile.

I smiled and in the sultriest manner I could, I stood and put my heels on. "Sorry, but I really need to get going. But, um, I'll stop by next weekend, okay? I'd like to get something to eat then, okay?" I asked in an uncertain voice. Emile was obviously a player, so maybe he'd appreciate me acting all insecure around him.

He sighed and pouted, but quickly grinned and nodded. "I'll be waiting eagerly, _cherie_." I started to leave when he called out to me. "Wait, _s'il te plait_." I turned to find him pushing through the crowd. "_Excuse moi, m'selle, _but you haven't even told me your name."

That caught me off guard, and I said without thinking, "Isabella Swan."

He smiled again, and took my hand in his. "_Enchante_, Bella." He pressed his lips to my hand before releasing me. With one last smile, he slowly walked backwards through the crowd. "I won't forget, Bella! Saturday! _Je va te voir plus tard_!"

I escaped from the club, my cheeks burning red as I headed toward my car. I mean, come on! What am I, some fairy tale princess? Definitely not, so why was the prince dumping Cinderella and Snow White for me?

But still, I discovered myself smiling once again, without my knowing. I sat in my car and realized my heart was pounding. Painful words like Edward and Cullen press futilely on the protective bubble that Emile has given me.

I laughed, really laughed, and then drove home.

-

The week was boring. Nuff said.

The only thing remotely interesting was my anxious excitement as Saturday drew closer day by excruciatingly long day.

I actually got scolded by my pre-cal teacher for not paying attention is class. I'd been too busy to listen to her, I was focused on doodling Emile's face in my notebook. The thought made me bubble with happiness. THIS is what my life should be like! I should be a happy, carefree girl who doesn't care about school work and thinks about her boyfriend all day long.

As I walked to my next class, my cheeks flushed at the word. Boyfriend. We'd only met once, as still, I was calling him… I laughed out loud, right there in the hallway. My body became a pincushion for curious eyes, and I laughed again and smiled. I took a pen out of my pocket and wrote something on the back of my left hand. Emile. Surrounded by a heart.

-

When Saturday did finally arrive, my heart was already fluttering at the thought of seeing Emile again. I had to put on a big trench coat to hide my outfit from Charlie, whom I'd convinced that I was going shopping for the Homecoming dance, which was still two months away.

I'd done myself up a little nicer tonight. I applied some lipstick and eyeliner in the car and then clumsily braided my hair into a ponytail. I once again thanked Alice for being such a busybody; otherwise I'd never have been equipped to go to a nightclub.

I pulled into a free parking space in the crowded lot and headed to the door, where Steve waved my in nonchalantly. A nice, warm feeling spread through my chest when I saw Emile standing at the bar, a happy smile lighting up his face as our eyes met. I made my way to him and opened my mouth, making sure to speak loudly enough so he could hear me.

"I'm sorry, were you waiting long?"

"_Oui_, but it's no problem, _cherie._" He dashingly led me back over to a couch and sat right next to me, his hand on my thigh. My cheeks began to heat up as we smiled at each other.

"Uh… This place is pretty packed, but I guess I can see why. This is a great club!" I complimented him, and he accepted it with no qualms.

"_Merci beaucoup. Vous etes tres aimable_." Twitch. My smiled lessened only slightly.

"I don't speak French. Do you have to talk like that?" I struggled to keep my tone joking, but it came out a little harsh. I didn't want him to get scared away or anything, but it was so annoying when he went off in his little 'everyone speaks French' world.

He laughed and gave me another dazzling smile, showing off his reasonably white teeth. "_Je regrette_, forgive me_, cherie_." I put on a pouty face, but nodded and let him offer my a drink. I sniffed it before taking a sip. Sprite.

"Yeah, it's fine. Just don't do it again." He laughed… again. So familiar. That attitude, laughing at everything I say like it's some kinda-funny joke. It reminds me so much of…

My shoulders slumped as the hurt flashed through me. I shook my head and took a big swig of my drink. "So, you're planning a hotel next? Where are you going to put it?"

"Bella," He said in a firm tone. "I'm really not that interested in talking about work. Not with YOU, anyway." Our eyes locked, his mouth quirked up on one side and his fingers laced with mine in my lap. He held out his free hand. "There's a beautiful statue in the back room, a miniature Venus de Milo. I'd love to show it to you." His hand grasped mine; he raised it to his lips and kissed the tips of my fingers.

The breath hitched in my throat, I nodded dumbly. In a daze, I let him stand me up, lead me through the crowd to a door and shut it behind us. My mind was still far away as he showed me to the statue, before wrapping his arms around me and pressing our lips together.

The warmth in my chest shot through the rest of my body and my heart spread it's wings like a phoenix. We pulled apart and he looked down at me, deep emotions shining in his eyes. He sighed. "_Tres belle."_

_"Tres joli."_ I countered. I'd done a little research before our date. He gave me a wolfish smile, and our lips were locked together once again.

This time, his tongue snaked out and ran across my bottom lip, begging for entrance. I complied, and I actively participated in the tongue wrestling match for dominance. His hands ran down my back and cupped my butt, squeezed a little. I was used to this kind of thing from my other boyfriends, but I couldn't help letting out a little moan into our kiss.

But then he lifted up the bottom of my short dress and started fingering the seams of my panties. I pulled away, reaching behind to remove his hand. "What… What are you doing!?" I gasped out. He was surprised, his mouth hung open slightly. But he was quickly grinning again.

"Oh, I get it. Your first time, huh? Well, you don't have to worry at all, _cherie_, I'm very gentle with first-timers." His smile turned perverted and disgusting and I resisted the urge to gag. Instead, I merely backed away. He laughed at me! "Now, now. Don't act all innocent. I could see through your act from the very beginning. You try to come off all prim and proper, but all you want is a little screwing around. Come on, I'll teach you everything I know, and more, if you let me." He winked.

My beautiful, warm image of Emile shattered and was replaced with this gross, lecherous version. I opened my mouth, to try and call for help, but he pounced on me. He trailed kisses up and down my throat as he groped my breasts through the dress. I cried out, but not in panic. Rather, I was shocked as a sudden fire spread through my body. Everywhere he touched, a hot feeling just leaked through my skin. I gasped, then moaned. Then my eyes began to water.

I though about what Emile was doing to me, and what I was thinking about. My mind pictured Edward. His hands fondling my chest as his lips and tongue ran across my bare skin, making me shiver in pleasure. I saw him smiling at me with his beautiful, crooked grin. And then I saw that Edward was gone, and Emile was the one touching.

The nausea extinguished the fire that had been growing from my belly. Emile was touching me! Violating the places even Edward hadn't touched yet! Bile burned my throat and I struggled to fight of the rape guy, who only increased his efforts.

"Squirm all you want, _cherie. _I think it's pretty damn hot." Oh, God. How could I have ever liked this man? He was MUCH worse than those stupid seniors. He'd lifted my dress up again and pressed a finger between my legs, stretching the fabric of my panties.

I couldn't help it, I didn't want to. I wretched my self away from his and started puking all over the floor. He leapt back, cursing. "What the hell!?" I didn't pay any attention to him, I was more focused on the fried chicken pouring out of my mouth.

It wasn't as long as my usual vomiting fits. I kept throwing up for another minute before willing the rest of my food back down. Sometime, I'd fallen to my knees and now reclined back on them, looking up at Emile with fearful eyes. His face held a mixture of shock and embarrassment. The cruel part of my brain was cackling 'Yes, you really are that bad a kisser!'

Emile looked at me before walking back to the door and throwing it open. "Leave my club, don't ever come back." His voice was harsh, disgusted. I shakily stood and left. Somewhere behind me I heard him mutter, "_Sa vaut pas la peine_…"

I turned to see him walking back to the couch area. He pointed to that girl, Lana. "_Viens ici_." She smiled and immediately darted over to him. He picked out another girl at the bar. "_Et toi._" She joined him as well, and they sidled back into the smallest sofa available.

I turned away and ran back to my truck and went home, the tears freely falling.

-

I made it home early, but Charlie was still snoring in the recliner. I ran to my room, threw off all my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror. I still felt sick, the shame had pooled in my stomach, making me uneasy. The eyeliner I'd put on for Emile was smeared as I cried, I had to bite my lip to keep it from trembling. I turned and collapsed on the bed, curling into a tiny ball, wishing I could just get smaller and smaller until I disappear.

But what made me feel terrible, horrible, disgusting, was that my insides were still hot from the things Emile did to me. I touched my bare shoulder, my breasts, and gasped at the wonderful sensation that shook my body. I quaked under the guilt.

I covered myself up with the blankets and cried myself to sleep. This sickening thing I am, this pathetic shell, just became even more worthless. I'd been defiled by those ugly hands.

Please forgive me, Edward…

-

I stayed confined to my room all Sunday. I spent the whole time either sleeping, dreaming about what happened, and waking up from my dream and crying.

Charlie managed to get me in to school Monday, but during second period I went to the infirmary to lay down, where I stayed for the rest of the day. I was able to drive home okay, but I stopped still in the doorway.

Ever since that night, I'd been replaying in my mind everything that happened. I'd tried to ignore the hurt, the guilt, the shame, but it had massed together inside of me and finally burst. I retched and covered my mouth. I'm so disgusting. I ran upstairs and drew a bath of lukewarm water. I undressed and slid into the water, seeing in my mind how it filled me, washed over me and carried away Emile's touch.

As the water soaked into my soul, I thought about what was running through my mind as Emile assaulted me. 'Violating the places even Edward hadn't touched yet!' Yet. My stupid, stupid mind still thought that Edward would come back, still needed him to come back.

I'm such an idiot, he'll never come back, he made that pretty clear. Even if he did, he wouldn't touch me. I've ripped through boys and men, treated them like garbage and thrown them all away. Everyone hates me, I hate me. Edward, my Edward, my angel… He couldn't ever want me. I'm so filthy, so stupid, I just want to die!

But if I die… I'm going to hell for sure. I'll be trapped in a terrible place. A place where Edward will never be. The thought sent a ripple of fear through my bones. Even now, I know Edward exists somewhere on Earth. If I go to a place where he can't follow, to a place where I can't ever find him…

Everything has changed. I can't go back to my half-existence, feeding off the men I can ensnare. That life is over now. But this meaningless existence won't support me, won't give me incentive to keep on living.

Something has to change.

_But what will change? You'll have to read the next chapter to find out! Here's the Cajun dictionary thing, in order from when Emile says it:_

_Tres belle__ – (feminine), Very beautiful; __Tais toi__ – Shut up; __mon Dieu__ – my God; __Sa fini pas__ – it never ends; __cherie__ – (f), beloved; __Comment ça va__ – How is it going; __Je regrette__ – I'm sorry; __J'ai faim __– I'm hungry; __s'il te plait__ – please (the 'te' make it informal); __Excuse moi__ - excuse me; __m'selle __– (short for mademoiselle) Miss; __Enchante__ – Enchanted to meet you; __Je va te voir plus tard__ – I'll see you later; __Oui__ – yes; __Merci beaucoup__ – Thank you very much;__ Vous etes tres aimable __– you are very kind; __Tres joli__ – (masculine) very pretty__; sa vaut pas la peine__ – It's not worth it; __Viens ici__ – come here__; et toi__ – and you._

_I can't really think of anything else to say except: Read and review! I hope you stick around for chapter 4 and beyond!_

_Next chapter: Unavoidable Mindset – Tough decisions, money issues, determination and devotion._


	5. Unavoidable Mindset

_Oh gosh. I'm so so so so so sorry for the long wait. There's no excuse for my actions except that I've just had way more important things to do. Right after I was telling everyone 'Oh, I'll try and update faster next time.' Uwah… So shameful…_

_But right now, I'm remembering two sex jokes, plus I'm listening to __Dirty Song__ by Cars Can Be Blue, so I'm all giggly and happy right now. I was listening to The Guess Who while I wrote this, which might explain a bit. They sing straight to my soul… But I'm really working hard, mainly because I just got back from a two hour party at Borders to celebrate the release of the Twilight DVD, and I've got, like, this bubbly, giggly crazy girl high that I need to get rid of through writing! Anyway, enjoy the next chapter of:_

A Capella Luctuoso

Unavoidable Mindset

I've been arguing with myself for hours. I don't know what to do. I want to just close my eyes, and then Edward will be here and he'll smile at me and say I'm silly and hug me and kiss me and love me…

The hole in my heart is aching, it hurts so much and it doesn't stop anymore. Emile's face haunted me, invaded my dreams. That night cycled between his amorous leer and Edward's disgusted scowl. I didn't wake up screaming, but my sheets were drenched in sweat and tears just like any other night.

Who knows how many days I'd rolled through on autopilot? I can't remember. I'm sure I went to school at least once, but everything else… I remember crying. A lot. I distinctly recall taking a shower one night and our pilot light suddenly going out. I think there was another time at school where Lauren tripped me in the hallway and I got laughed at. But that's it. Everything else is just a haze, events bled together until it just seemed like one really long day.

I wasn't having any more vomiting fits, at least, not that I could remember. But then again, I also don't remember showering or using the bathroom at all, so it's hard to say. But, what does it matter? Everything is wrong. Nothing is the same. My past attempts were meaningless, now the only thing I'm able to think about is Edward. It's like living every day with a million shards of glass sticking into you.

I'm so horrible. I've always known that, but now I've accepted the facts. Edward hates me. I hate me. He's never going to come back. I'll never forgive myself. There is no life left for me. I can go on, go to college, get a job, but it'll all be meaningless. I won't care about anything at all, and normally, I would have tried to change that. But somewhere along the line, I'd given up. I can accept that kind of life now, the lesser evil. It's not like I can ever be happy again anyway.

For a long time (or was it only a day?), that was what I thought.

But one morning, everything broke. My alarm woke me up, but I couldn't bring myself to move. The alarm kept going, and it was annoying, but I couldn't do anything about it. Nothing. I worked so hard to turn my head enough so I could see it. 9:07 am. I'm so late for school.

I somehow managed to sit up, the pain in my chest racing through the rest of my body for a moment, before retreating back to the area of my heart. Tears prickled in my eyes, but then, what else was new? I blinked until they went away, but I couldn't go to school.

Edward wasn't at school.

When did I stand up? I shrugged it off and started walking, and my feet took me to Charlie's room. He must have left early this morning, or he would have gotten me up. I'm glad he didn't. I fell down on his king-sized bed, the same bed he'd had when Renee left. I wonder if Charlie is deep enough to be holding onto the bed for sentimental value, or just because he's a packrat? Either way, the soft, grey flannel sheets felt so good on my skin when I laid down in them. They smelled like Charlie, Old Spice mixed with smoked meat. Any trace of Renee's cinnamon-thyme scent was long gone.

Then the thought ripped into me. Would I be like this one day? Edward left me; my broken heart pains me every single second. Would I wake up one day and forget what he smelled like? What his voice sounded like? That beautiful look in his eyes, like a smoldering fire that makes me want to burst with joy?

I was crying again, but Charlie won't notice a few wet stains. My heart was racing, twisting the knife Edward had stuck into me with every pump of blood. I knew that I couldn't- that I didn't want to live like this anymore. Not without Edward. I was completely stressed out, even without my sudden panic attack. I thought to myself, "I love you Edward." And then I'm pretty sure I fainted.

-

My plan was already in the works as soon as I woke up. It was still morning. Charlie's not-digital clock was always hard to read, but it was probably 10:43. The bed was so warm and soft, I convinced myself to stay in it. Not that that was very hard. Even while my body went into a vegetative state, my mind was racing, shifting from one idea to the next. I have to make a change. I can't wait for something to happen, if I want to be happy at all, I'm going to make it happen myself.

I had it all pretty much figured out, or at least the little bit that I was able to plan out. There were so many uncertain variables. But when I had enough of my plan formed, my body automatically went to my room to start packing. I wasn't sure what or how many clothes I need, so I decided to stuff as many of my heaviest clothes into a big suitcase, and then put all my underwear in a separate bag. After a single second of consideration, I carefully placed the scrapbook in the bag too.

I'd stopped planning; now I just need to figure out how to leave. If I tell Charlie, he'll never allow it. But I can't just disappear; he'd freak out and call in the army to find me. So thankfully, there was a middle ground that seemed very appealing to me. I'd write him a letter.

Once absolutely everything was packed, all my bags were in the passenger seat of my truck, I sat down at the table and worked for a while to come up with the right combination of words that made sense and would ease his mind. I came up with:

"Dad, I'm really sorry for leaving so suddenly, but I HAVE to do something. Don't worry, it's nothing illegal or bad, but it's not negotiable. I wish I didn't have to say goodbye like this, but I can't risk you trying to stop me. I'll be back soon, and please don't worry. I'll probably be safer than I have been since I moved to Forks, which is saying something. I love you."

I added the last part reluctantly, but it needed to be said. I scribbled my name at the bottom and set it on top of the kitchen counter. After making sure that he was sure to see it, I left. Just like that, I walked out to my truck and drove away; the thought of looking back didn't even cross my mind. I drove fast, more than ten miles over the speed limit, but I was too focused to care. The pain in my chest still hurt, but soon, it would go away one way or another.

Before leaving town, I stopped by a bank and withdrew several thousand dollars from my college fund. Maybe I'll care about that later, but not now. Now, I needed the money for something way more important. I, very slowly, rolled past the police station and headed for the city limit. Then I drove straight to Port Angeles Airport and bought a ticket for the next flight to Alaska. Then I used a map to plan out the fastest way to reach Denali. I don't know where Edward is, where the Cullen's are, but I think I know someone who does.

-

I was practically bouncing in my seat for the whole flight. The excitement, anxiety and anticipation were all competing to dominate me, and any of the three was enough to drive me crazy. After we landed in Juneau, I nearly pushed down an old woman who was taking too long to get her carry-on down from the compartment. Then I had to circle the luggage belt four times to find my bag. When I finally left the airport, I was totally out of breath.

Exhaustion wracked my body and soul, but I was stubborn enough to keep pushing myself. It was almost startling, when my heart gave a sudden throb of pain. Almost. My mind had been too busy fantasizing about tearful reunions with Alice, hugging Emmet and Carlisle and Esme for the first time in a long time, smiling at Jasper while avoiding eye contact with Rosalie. And then, kissing Edward, touching Edward, loving him.

I snapped out my reverie as the pain brought the bare facts back to my mind. I still needed to reach Denali, find Tanya and her sisters, see if they know where the Cullen's are, and if they do, getting them to tell me where they are… I'm nowhere near done. This is no time to lose focus and go off into la la land. I have a mission, a matter of life or death, to take care of.

'Life or death?' Why did I think that? What, am I going to kill myself if I can't find him?

Oh, God… Oh my God, I just might. Edward, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for thinking that. Never. Never ever.

I was much calmer after catching my connecting flight to Denali. It might have been my sobering thoughts, the rickety plane I was riding in, or the no-nonsense looking man sitting next to me. Whatever it was, my breath finally slowed; it'd been racing ever since I reached the terminal back in Seattle. This kind of crazy risk taking stuff, I'm not used to it. It's getting me all excited in ways I haven't even thought of since Edward-

Ouch.

The man gave me a weird look, and I turned away, thankful that I got the window seat, and stared at the clouds. Now that was what I imagined Alaska like. All white, spreading out under me so far, it might not ever end. I smiled, and my silly mind started to wonder again.

When I find Edward, when he's coming home with me, I'll try and check to see if the clouds are even more beautiful with him at my side. Gee, I wonder…

I first noticed how cold Alaska was as I walked into the small rural airport. I slipped into the bathroom after grabbing my luggage and changed added a sweater and some thermal underwear to my outfit. Since I wasn't sure how long I'd be staying, I called and booked a room at the McKinley Village Lodge, not even a mile from the airport. But as soon as that was done, I was off into the streets of Denali.

-

I was counting on the fact that Tanya would be easy to find. I mean, if you even whispered the word 'Cullen' anywhere in Forks, everyone would know exactly who you were talking about. It was kind of difficult, maybe I just looked like a bad influence in my hot pink parka and baby blue sweat pants (courtesy of Renee), but everyone I tried to approach just shied away from me. Maybe I just haven't noticed that I have leprosy, but other people can tell. At least, that's what it seems like.

At one point, I stood directly in front of a woman and asked her. "Excuse me, can you give me some information.

That crazy lady pushed me to the ground and walked around me. "I'm in a hurry, move." She muttered rudely just before brushing past me. I stood up, brushing off the butt of my pants, and looked around. Two little kids and their dad had been watching me, but they quickly averted their gaze and hurried on.

As I continued my walk, that's all it was, a walk, since apparently everyone in this damn town is a freaking xenophobe, my back broke out in a cold sweat that made me flinch. My personal pessimism was creeping into all sorts of places, the front of my mind included. What if Tanya and he sisters had moved? The Cullen's decided to move on, I'm sure the Denali clan can make that decision too. What if they left with Carlisle and my search is hopeless? Even if the do still live here, which is looking more doubtful by the second, what if they don't want to tell me?

That's a possibility. Maybe Edward could foresee my desperate act, and warned them not to give me any information. Even if he didn't would they still choose not to tell me? So many variables, so many ways for my journey to fail… Should I even bother anymore?

"No!" Bam! I reached up and slapped both of my cheeks several times, not doing anything to help people think of me as normal. But I had to get rid of those thoughts, and fast. If I'd let them get too much momentum… I don't even want to think about what I might have done. I've decided to be happy, and since the only thing that's ever made me happy, made my life worth living was Edward… Well, I'm just obeying him. He wanted me to be happy. So I really have no choice but to look for him, now do I?

I gave a small chuckle at the irony. Edward left me, and then told me to come find him. Looking around, I saw a small bar near the center of town that looked like a good a place as any to continue my search. I walked in and sat down at the. The bartender eyed me (wow, did he think I was younger than 21? He must be a genius.) and walked over to shoo me away.

"You, 'ey girl. Dunno who ya are, but get on outta here."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but I cut him off. "Look, I need some help."

"…" He paused, then leaned down on the bar and watched me. "Shoot." I resisted the urge to point my index finger at him with my thumb extended and say 'Bang!'

"I'm looking for someone. They live here, in Denali, or at least… They did the last time I checked. Um, Tanya?"

He looked me over with an eyebrow raised. "Lotsa Tanyas 'round 'ere, girlie." Really? There's a lot of ANYTHING around here?

"Well, can you just think for a second? She has two sisters, and they're all really beautiful, and-"

I was cut off when he started a low, wheezing laugh. At first I was unaffected, but he just kept going, then he started snorting and banging his hand on the bar. Annoying…

"Haw haw haw… Tha's all ya needed ta say, darlin'. Only peeple we thinker beautiful since they moved in are them!" It took me a second, but I got what he said.

"You know them!? Really!?" My heart was beating faster. "Do you know where they live? Can you tell me?" I was talking so fast, my words all ran together, but I think he understood.

"Shore, shore. Not hard ta find. Go, eh, dunno, two miles outta town, eh, east. Big fancy place, we figger they must be purty damn rich. Dunno why they came ta Denali, but shore glad they did. Nice ta look at, see?"

"Uh, shore." I mumbled and pulled out a pencil and notebook I'd bought in the airport at Juneau. "Do you have an address or something for them?" He told me where I could find them, and I darted out of there fast, his phlegmy, wheezy laugh following me right out the door.

-

Just 20 minutes later, I was shivering right in front of the Denali coven's door, struggling to work up the courage to knock. I was running through what I could say. 'Hi, you don't know me, but I know you're a vampire. Can you help me?' Yeah, right. 'Yo yo yo, wassup? My homies, the Cullen's, are gone. You know where they at?' I mean, come on! No matter how I look at it, they'll probably kill me for knowing too much, or for seeming like a raving lunatic.

Heh. I could always fall on my knees. Beg and plead until they at least agree to hear me out. Then beg until the tell me. I don't have any pride left to stop me, I can grovel until they're so worn down, and they'll have to tell me. Maybe there was a time, once, when I might have resented doing something so pathetic. I wonder when it went away. I wonder if I'll get it back. I wonder if I'm supposed to care. Either way, I guess that's really the best option, isn't it?

As I lifted my fist to knock, the door suddenly opened. "I was wondering if you'd just stand there until you froze to death." A small face peeked out from the doorway. I nearly gasped at the angel gazing at me, her face framed by long, silky, strawberry-blonde hair. I guess I've been removed from vampires for so long, I'd gotten used to ordinary people.

Her shining golden eyes were narrowed just slightly, pale white lips curled down into a delicate frown, her lovely face tilted slightly to one side in curiosity. My knees quivered and threatened to buckle as the blood rushed to my cheeks. "Tanya," I managed out, left breathless by her beauty.

Now her eyes were totally narrowed, but even that just made my heart beat fast. Ugh, stupid, snap out of it! I slapped my cheeks again and squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm sorry, but I really need your help! My name's Bella and-"

"Bella?" She cut me off. "Bella Swan?" The distrust was gone from her face and the door opened a little more, but something still told me to stay back.

"Yes, yes! I was… I knew the Cullen's." I stammered out. "Edward and I were dating, they talked about you, I didn't know what to do, I just-" She lifted her hand and I stopped. Tanya just stood there for a moment, then got this sad look on her face and sighed.

"Can't you even tell you're shivering? Come inside before you die." She might have sounded reluctant, but I was too excited to care. As soon as she stepped aside, I pushed past and shed my parka, despite it still being icy cold inside. I guess vampires don't need to spend much on A/C. I stood in the grand foyer, facing my host, shifting my weight from foot to foot in anticipation.

Tanya was watching me closely. The effects of her glamour had passed enough so that I could tell her expression was obviously pained. Wonder why… And that was all I could do. She didn't start up any conversation, no questions, no demands, she just stared at me. It made my skin crawl. Looking for something to break the ice, I asked, "So… Where are your sisters? Edward said you had two."

"Irina is upstairs." Oh! My memory triggered. I remembered Edward telling me that Irina and Laurent were mates now. Thank God, a new conversation topic.

"Oh, right. How's she doing? Is Laurent around?"

"Irina is mourning." She said simply. Huh? My expression showed what I was thinking, like always, and she elaborated. "Laurent left a few months ago with one from his old coven. He was killed." Damn. What a way to break the ice. Looks like I fell right into the frozen pond.

"Oh, I'm sorry." What else could I say?

"Thank you. Now why are you here? Carlisle told us-"

"Carlisle talked to you!? After they left Forks!?" I cut her off midsentence, leaning forward. "Did he say where they were going? Are the still there?" I babbled out and reached my hand toward her. She evaded my grip, slipping around behind me like the wind. I turned and met her cold stare.

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?" Excitement gone in a flash, a dead feeling settled in on me.

"… I don't think he would want you to know." Her perfect brow creased, lips pursed. "He told me about what happened with Jasper. They left to get away from you."

Ow. I got soft, everyone was so careful around me. Hearing the facts spoken out loud, even in Tanya's calm voice, was like reliving it all over again. I clutched my shirt, the area right above my heart, and took a deep breath, trying to steady my voice. "Did they-" Pause. Another breath. "Did they tell you not to tell me?"

Now she paused. "No," Her voice was careful. She didn't want to get my hopes up. Sweet. "But it was implied."

Spike. Anger surged through me. Tanya shifted her posture, maybe she could tell how mad I was. I asked again, "Where are they?" I couldn't keep my voce from shaking. I was clenching my fist so hard I could feel the blood leaving my knuckles.

Her expression shifted to compassion. I don't WANT compassion, or pity. I want answers! "I'm sorry. I won't tell you. They trusted us."

"Why!?' I shouted, glaring at her openly. "They didn't tell you not to tell me, so what's the problem!? I just want to see them, I-" I drew in a ragged breath, tears pricking at my eyes as I tried to reign in my emotions. "Please." I whimpered as the tears escaped. "Please, where are they?"

"Greenland."

A new voice this time, coming from my left. Tanya gasped, her eyes wide. I turned to look. Another vampire stood on a large staircase. Only my previous encounters with vampires let me see that something was wrong with her. Her eyes looked dead, sunken. Her hair and clothes were disheveled, as if she'd just gotten out of bed.

"Irina!"

"Greenland?" I cut Tanya off, taking a step toward the stairs. "Is that where they went? Where in Greenland? Are they still there?" My voice steadied, and I used my sleeve to wipe away the tears.

"Yes, they still live there. Carlisle sent us a letter just a few days ago." She was about to say more, but Tanya appeared next to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Irina, are you okay? You shouldn't exert yourself too much. Go back and lie down." Either Tanya babies her sisters, or losing a mate was much more painful than I thought.

"No, sister. I want to." She turned back to me and stepped forward so there was just a foot between us. I could sense the electric spark of her presence. "I don't agree with Edward's decision. People who love each other should stay together. Forever." She was barely whispering, the pain in her voice sent shivers down my neck.

I wasn't sure what to do or say. "Thank you." I breathed, and urged her to go on.

Her eyes closed, but she kept talking. "They're living outside of Julianehab, a small coast town near Cape Farewell. Carlisle works at the hospital there."

She was shaking, though I could barely tell. Tanya swooped in and placed an arm on Irina's shoulder. "Irina, I understand. Please don't push yourself." The sister nodded and left, slowly and carefully, and then I was alone with Tanya once again. "…I agree with Irina. I was hesitant before, but now that you know anyway… I'll call an airport, you'll have a first-class trip to Greenland. I'll have your schedule in 15 minutes."

I opened my mouth to refuse, but she held up a hand to stop me. "Please let me help you. Edward… He's always been overly-critical of himself. Doing drastic things to help others while harming himself." She twisted one finger through a strawberry-blonde curl. "Edward's happy when he's with you. You should stay with him."

What a stupid time to be feeling jealous… but I fought down those nasty emotions and smiled. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

_

Tanya had me all booked up in seven minutes, and showed me to the door. I left and was on another plane within an hour.

Aside for a little turbulence, the three or four connecting flights that got me to Julianehab were pretty boring. Tension was starting to set in. Anticipation. I left the plane and wandered for a minute around the tiny airport, buying the only English-Kalaallisut(Greenlandic) dictionary available, before nervously making my way into town.

In a broken and poorly pronounced drabble, I somehow got directions to THE hospital. The only one in town. The one Carlisle worked at. I stumbled in from the cold and up to a pretty blonde clerk chewing tobacco. "Um… Hang on… Qanoq ippit?" How are you. It was the closest thing I could find to hello. She rolled her eyes. I huffed and started flipping through the dictionary again. "Let's see, doctor doctor doctor… Aha! Nakorsaq… Cullen?" I returned my eyes to her as she babbled off something.

At my helpless look, she sighed and scribbled something down on a piece of paper. After some careful deciphering, I translated. "He's not here today? Where? Uh-" She tapped the paper impatiently and I wrote down the word for where. After another hastily written response, she shooed my away like a gnat.

I sat down in a chair in the waiting room, trying my best to translate, until a bilingual do-gooder took pity on me. "He quit yesterday. This is his address." One heartfelt 'thank you' later, I was doing my best to hike through a snowy forest to the infamous log cabin suite owned by the Cullen's.

Oh my God, my heart is pounding like crazy. I had to take long, slow, deep breath to keep from breaking out into a run. I'm so close. One more snow drift and I'll be able to see it. Finally, all my trials and hardships will come to an end. I can be happy, I'll be able to live again. With Edward.

That thought broke into my mind as I reached the top of the snow drift and caught sight of the tin roof. My heart nearly punched itself out of my chest. It got the job done, I was running downhill, smiling and laughing, toward the cabin. It was beautiful. Maybe Edward and I can visit it during the summer. Just me and him, together in a winter wonderland. Forever.

I approached the only door, red-faced and out of breath, panting out clouds of steam. I took a moment, squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. Yes, it's really there! With another laugh, I walked closer to get a better look.

Then I fell to my knees.

There, among the snow and ice, tears once again stung my eyes. There, right on the door, carved into the wood in a familiar, perfectly flowing script, a message. For me, I'm sure.

"Don't follow me."

_No! So close!Bella was so close to finding happiness, to finding Edward! Why does the world have to be so cruel? So what happened? I bet Tanya tipped them off! What do you think? Well, you know, it really doesn't matter what you think, since I already know what's going to happen. YOU don't, however. I guess that should give you an even stronger conviction to return for the next chapter. Also, I should say: I've never been to Denali or to Julianehab. I have no idea what the people are like there. In fact, they probably aren't like I described them. Please don't be offended if you live in one of those places. It was for the plot! Well, anyway… Here we go!_

_Final Chapter: A Capella Luctuoso- Frozen, but not from the cold, an unbearable silence, anger and tears, and an end._


	6. A Capella Luctuoso

_Here it is. The time is nigh. The final chapter. Bella's gone through so much to get here. All she wants is to be happy again, like she was when she was with Edward. But for some reason, the whole goddamn world is against her. Her heart is rebroken at every turn, and any hope she ever manages to obtain just makes the pain that much worse. But she just can't take it anymore. For better, or for worse, things will end here:_

A Capella Luctuoso

A Capella Luctuoso

My heart has stopped beating. I'm frozen. My blood, my brain, my emotions. Nothing can move, and yet I'm still trembling. Not cold, though.

I don't understand. I don't understand this at all. Everything was so clear… just one more snowdrift… together again… Water trickles down my cheeks, but it's snowing, not raining. Snowing, always, sleet and hail.

It doesn't make any sense. Just one more snowdrift. Happy reunions.

No. An empty home. No lived-in feel, but still lived-in. A room with a stereo, still turned on, and empty shelves for thousands of CDs. Edward. Three larger rooms. A sewing box and book shelves. Esme and Carlisle. A vanity and a dozen punching bags. Rosalie and Emmet. A walk-in closet larger that the room, empty. Alice, and Jasper.

They were here. So close. Closer than I've been for months. But all gone and an empty garage. So fast. But vampire speed or not, they couldn't have left that fast. They may have gotten some advance warning of my arrival. They were downwind of me. One fateful smell and they could all recognize me. But to have collected all of their things and left in a car. No. Even if they would have saved time by leaving their belongings, I still would have seen them. There's only one road here.

They must have known. Even before I arrived in Julianehab, they must have been packing. The clerk said Carlisle quit this morening. I scrambled for my watch: 1:48 pm. So close. I was so close. If the stupid plane had gone just a little faster, I could have met them, spied them in Julianehab's tiny airport! Missed by hours, minutes, seconds. So close. One more snowdrift.

And Edward, he must have carved that message, so dainty and perfect, it must have been with a finger nail. Don't follow me.

I can't. I can't NOT follow you! You were everything. You ARE everything to me! You're the only reason I exist, because I made you happy. Now that you hate me… What am I supposed to do now!?

It's still not raining.

-

Suddenly I was in Paris, sitting in a barely cushioned chair, waiting on a connecting flight to New York City. Hazy memories showed me stumbling, half-dead from cold, heart not beating, back into Julianehab. A short flight to Reykjavik, then another to France. First class all the way.

I probably would have passed through the City of Lights in the same daze except for one thing. A young girl sitting with a group of children in across the waiting area caught my eye. They must have been in some kind of program or tour, because they were all wearing nametags. For some unknown reason, I decided to look at this girl, to get a close up of her nametag.

My breath hitched, I slammed my eyes shut. Erasing from my memory what I'd just read: "_Bonjour. Je m'appelle_ May Cullen." Forget. Forget. Forget. And it was gone. I was calm. My heart still wasn't beating. Nothing matters. I don't even remember what's-her-name.

My heart, metaphorical heart, was still. I can't feel anything. No sadness, nothing. All of the terrible emotions pressing against my body, trying to force their way in, I was keeping them out. I think my mouth twitched up in a smile. It's hard to tell, since my face felt numb. My whole body was numb. I can't feel anything, and I love it.

My flight is called. I'm in no hurry to board. The overweight woman in front of me was twirling an unlit cigarette in her mouth, tapping on her suitcase. The average-everything guy trying to cut me in line was making some annoying sound with his tongue, like calling a horse. Some of the children from what's-her-name's group are running circles around a frantic chaperone.

No pulse. No thought. No pain.

-

Now I'm in Seattle. I've nearly used up all of my cash, but I had just enough to get a rental car at the little place at the airport's entrance. It wasn't pretty, a blue Cadillac with most of the paint chipping. But its not like I was used to pretty cars. A buzzing in the back of my brain remembered my truck. On the way out, I checked where I'd parked it. It was gone, probably towed. Oh well. I'll go get it with Charlie tomorrow.

Everything was so beautiful. I never really stopped to appreciate all the natural beauty Washington had. I had always been so busy. Bust hating Forks, busy loving… busy crying over…

Name, name. It's beating against my mind, it wants me to let it in. No. No pulse, no thought, no pain. And there was no pain.

Now that I'm driving down the highway toward Forks, with absolutely nothing on my mind, I can really notice how beautiful everything is. I'm not blinded by love or hurt anymore. No pulse, no thought, no pain. Am I smiling? It's hard to tell. I checked in the rear view mirror, yes, I am. My face feels numb, but it's okay. Better to be numb that in pain. That seems like a good moral. Or at least, I hope so. It's how I'm going to be living my life from now on.

But I'm not happy. Why am I smiling when I'm not happy? Names want to get in my head, want to make me cry. But I won't let them. I won't let names or memories or… regret. I won't let anything hurt me again. Thirty-five miles from Forks. From my NEW, new life. A life without love, or happiness. It sounds pathetic. But It's also a life without that terrible feeling, like drowning in ink. Gasping for breath when you're already under. No more knives buried in my heart. Nothing matters to me now. Nothing can hurt me now. But then, it's not like anything could ever hurt me as much as when Edward left.

My hands were trembling on the steering wheel. Stupid. When did I let my guard down? One casual, offhanded thought had so easily shattered my defenses. My hands were getting clammy. Ba-dump. My breath got heavy, I was shaking, my whole body. Ba-dump. Edward, my Edward, my life. Just thinking of him was like a defibrillator to my chest. My figurative heart was beating again, dammit, pumping all the unwanted metaphorical blood through my whole body. I could feel again. The numbness was gone. All the hurt, the betrayal, the hopelessness, I could feel it all, and it was all surging through me, fighting to be considered the dominant emotion.

"Ah!" I whimpered, I was hyperventilating, and I was shaking so hard, I was afraid I'd lose my grip on the wheel. I tried to put the break on, but I was so unstable, I ended up slamming my foot down on it. I jolted forward and slowly guided the Cadillac to the shoulder, tears already slipping from my eyes.

"It's okay. Calm down." I told myself through sniffles. "Forget about it. Forget about Edward and-" That threw me over the edge. I broke off in midsentence with a wail. "No!" I covered my eyes, but the tears slipped out under my hands. Sad, horrible sounds were all around me, they were coming from my own mouth.

I was sobbing full force. Somehow I tucked my knees under my chin and started rocking back and forth. My breaths were short and rapid, at least until I started coughing. Then I hand to take big long breath just to keep from suffocating.

My weeping was the only thing I could hear, and it just made me feel worse. It was like having a bee sting, but I'm still locked in a room filled with bees. It hurt. Being so surrounded by my own despair made me want to choke. It had to go away. I reached out and hit the horn. It blared and I kept hitting it until my hand was sore and numb. Then I fumbled with the car's radio, trying to guide my fingers with tear-blinded eyes. But, wouldn't you know, the damn thing was busted. I screamed, in anger and in misery. Edward was never coming back to me! He hates me! He went to Greenland to get away from me, and when I stalked him there, he escaped and told me to leave him alone!

I want to die. Edward is the only reason I exist, the only reason I'm alive. God made me for him, to make him happy when nothing else would. And I failed. I made him sad. I shouldn't be allowed to stay alive after that terrible sin. My one and only love and life is gone. Why should I be here anymore?

Still, still. All I can hear is my own mournful cries. There was nothing else, no dull roar of cars passing by, where was all the damn traffic? Where's a thunderstorm when you need one? I need something, anything to make the sound go away, to make my feelings go away.

I don't want to die. I'm not going to. Edward didn't want me to die. It's terrible, that's my only reason.

-

I made it home eventually. Once I'd clamed down, I carefully worked my way back onto the highway and made it back to Forks. Charlie wasn't home when I arrived, thankfully. I still felt sick and miserable. An imaginary memory kept replaying itself in my head. Edward, glaring at me in disgust. He whirls around and leaves me. "Don't follow me." I can't run fast enough. Even though he's only walking, and at a human speed, I'm falling behind. He's so far away, I can't see him anymore.

I haven't showered or brushed my teeth r eaten a decent meal in the two weeks since I'd left. I took a human moment that lasted two hours before I just sat down on the couch and waited. Around six, I heard Charlie pull into the driveway and braced myself.

Ten minutes later, he'd finally stopped hugging me and demanded an explanation while he dialed Renee. I sighed and tried to tell him it was nothing important, but I never even tried to think that it would satisfy him. And once he had Mom on speakerphone it was like an interrogation. I gave them some carefully spun crap story about checking out colleges abroad. I told them that I thought they wouldn't have agreed to me going to university out of the country, so I took matters into my own hands.

Renee nearly strangled me through the phone, but after a while, they both calmed down and assured me that going to college in Europe was fine with them. I got another speech about responsibility, and then a play-by-play of how worried they were before I was allowed to go to my room.

Ba-dump. A dull sting washed through my body, but I shrugged it off. I lifted up my mattress and took out the scrapbook. I opened it, memorizing every curve and feature. I raced his smiles with my finger. Hollow and empty, they weren't happy smiles. They weren't the smiles he used to give me, the ones I love. After I'd examined and removed all seven pictures, I carefully stacked them on top of one another. A wave of nostalgia swept through me, and I hugged the pictures to my chest. The crinkled, but his face was still intact.

I smiled back at him, one sad smile at another. Then I took the stack between my thumb and forefingers, and ripped them all in half. Then I ripped the halves in half. Then I threw the shredded remains out the window.

"Goodbye, Edward." I whispered. He came in through my window so many times, and now he goes out for the last. I can't take this anymore. I give up. Edward doesn't want me anymore, and I only want to make him happy. So I'll leave him alone, until I die. One stupid tear escaped my eye, and I wiped it away. Then I shut my window, and locked it.

-

It's been six weeks since I returned from Greenland. My life is still nowhere near normal, but I think it's getting closer everyday. I'm not totally cut off from my classmates, but I'm still being ostracized. But as weeks and days passed, people have started to accept me again. I still eat lunch alone, but some people are civil enough to say "Good morning," at least. I had a minute long conversation with a boy I'd dumped; I couldn't remember his name so I just avoided saying it. All we talked about was studying for a big test in Pre-Calculus, but it was pretty much the first human contact I'd had since Emile.

That was kind of exciting, but the best thing was, when Jessica 'accidently' pushed me down in the hallway, Angela stopped to help me pick up my books. She didn't talk, but just that act gave me hope. I found out that she'd taken Ben back after he'd apologized to her nonstop for three days. That made me feel a little better.

I worked up the courage one day to stop her after school and talk. She was reluctant, but I managed to convince her. I explained everything, at least as much as I could. I told her how I felt after Edward left (I can say his name now. It doesn't affect me anymore.) and how I waited as long as I could before I took Ben away from her. She was quiet the whole time. When I finally ran out of excuses for my actions, I just bowed my head and said, "I'm so sorry. You don't have to forgive me, but I want you to know that I felt terrible for doing it. Sorry."

I left after that, shame flooding through me. All the guilt was still there, but at least I'd tried to make up for it, even if she hates me. I almost cried the next day when she said, "Hi, Bella." She avoided eye contact, but she was smiling.

"Hi." I managed out huskily, surprised. I hope that maybe she might forgive me, but I didn't expect it, especially not this soon.

She sat down next to me in front of the school as we waited for the bell to ring. "I'm still mad at you." She said, and I deflated quickly. Only, then she said, "But… I kind of understand. When you and Ben got together," she paused and took a breath, "I felt really bad. I guess not as bad as you must have felt, but still bad." Another pause. I didn't push her, I know how hard it can be to talk about this kind of stuff. She brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear before she continued. "So I forgive you. But I'm still mad."

"I get it." I stammered with relief. "You don't need to explain… Thank you." She looked up, and finally let me see her eyes. The she smiled again.

"You know, it'll help me forgive you if we get an A on the Physics project. Can you be my partner?"

I looked at her, startled But then I smiled and nodded. "Sure. KE = mgh."

She laughed. "That's potential energy, not kinetic. Maybe I should go over to your house tonight. I'll bring my book."

"Sounds good." Ding, ding, ding.

"Oh, that's the warning bell. I gotta go to my locker, but I'll see you in class. Later!" I stood up and waved goodbye. Just as I was going to head to class, my back prickled. It felt like someone picked up a hedgehog and just barely rubbed the back across my neck. I touched the spot and turned around. No one there. I frowned, but it was probably just a side effect of this wool sweater I'm wearing. I shrugged it off and went to class.

-

I was walking to my car after school. Prickle. I rubbed my neck hard until the skin heated up. It wasn't raining, so I took off the sweater and got in my truck.

-

Angela and I were working on a project to explain the concept of 'hang time' and to prove or disprove it. Charlie came home a nearly grabbed his shotgun, seeing someone other than me in the house. He stared for a minute before saying hi. He already knew Angela, and he gave her a good welcome. It was embarrassing, how over the top he went. But it must have made him so happy, I was normal again. Angela laughed it off; she said all parents were like that.

I just rested my forehead against my hand and sighed. Charlie offered to cook, but I said I'd handle it. I made her some fried chicken while we memorized our lines. She ate dinner with us and left around nine o'clock. I helped her carry the poster we'd made out to her car and then waved goodbye as she drove away. I think we're friends again. Why, I have no idea. But thank God.

I turned around and headed back in, but I felt that prickle again. I was wearing a tank top; nothing was even near the spot on my neck. I touched it, then whirled around. Nothing. Creepy, I turned and dashed back to the door, shutting and locking it behind me. I peeked out the window for a second, but there was still nothing there.

I swear, it felt like someone was watching me. Immediately, a hundred scenarios ran through my head. Maybe a guy I dumped was obsessed with me, or maybe a girl I'd pissed off wanted to kill me. Or vice versa. I looked out the window one last time, then put a bottle of mace in my purse.

-

I've been getting that prickle a lot recently. It's really scary. I try to ignore it, but then I just keep imagining a guy coming up behind me with a hatchet and I have to look. Every single time, there's nothing unusual.

Maybe I'm getting paranoid. I hope that's all it is.

Angela and I got an A- on our project. I ate lunch with her and Ben. It was kind of awkward, but she was really encouraging, so I tried to talk to him. It wasn't much of a conversation, but I found out that he's going to see a new kung fu movie this weekend. I guess it kind of seems like I have a life.

Everyone else will barely look at me, and I may as well be the antichrist whenever Lauren or Jessica are present. But I think I'm slowly building myself a little niche in what my life used to be. I had friends (well only one and her boyfriend, but still…), I was working at the Newton's store again, I probably seem like a normal teenage girl.

But… I AM a normal teenage girl. And now, I'm going to stay what way. Normality has NEVER looked so appealing. Normal, because things like vampires don't exist in my life anymore.

-

My poor truck! I'd gotten it back with some of Charlie's schmoozing, but those stupid towers must have done something! When I tried to pull out of the school parking lot, on a Friday no less, I heard a loud pop. I was trying to keep from freaking out, but when I lifted the hood, there was so much smoke; I couldn't even tell what was wrong.

Nothing like this had ever happened before it got towed. If they did something, I'm gonna sue all their asses. Almost everyone was gone from the parking lot, and the people who were left definitely wouldn't help me out. I kicked one of the tires before accepting my only choice. I locked the doors and prepared to walk home.

Before I left school grounds, I double checked to make sure I still had my mace. The paranoid fear in my mind was showing me an image of some guy in a hockey mask screwing with my engine, then stalking me into a dark alley. Satisfied, I started walking home. It wasn't a really long walk, but I'd much rather have driven. That feeling quintupled about a quarter of the way there.

Prickle.

I shuddered, but managed to keep walking. It was nothing, just my imagination. I really wish I believed me. It was subtle, but my breathing got heavier and I got goosebumps. The invisible fear gripped my stomach and tied it in a few knots as I hugged my purse to my chest, carefully opening it, so not to draw any attention.

I reached inside and found the compact Angela lent me a few days ago. I practically sighed with relief; thank God I keep forgetting to return it. I came up to a crosswalk; I spotted a glowing red hand across the lane as cars rolled by. I took a deep breath and opened the compact, then positioned it so I could see over my shoulder.

Then I dropped the compact.

It clattered off the sidewalk and into the street before being neatly flattened by a Mustang. I didn't care, I'd buy Angela a new one. I closed my eyes, visibly shaking now. My breath wasn't just heavy, it was sporadic, coming out in sharp gasps as my eyes watered. An invisible knife sank its blade deep into my heart, skewering it like a shish kabob.

Standing there, right behind me, was Edward Cullen.

I wrapped my arms around me, but it didn't help. I opened my mouth and bit down on my fist. A few tears spilled over the edge. He wasn't a hallucination, he wasn't a dream. He's there. I know he is, I can feel it in my heart and in the pit of my stomach. I released my fist, but I couldn't steady my voice. After a few tries, I just whispered. I knew he'd hear me anyway. "Why?"

He didn't answer, but I could feel him behind me. Prickle.

The crosswalk was clear, but I didn't move. "Why are you here?" I managed out. "I don't understand."

"Bella…" My whole world shattered. His voice, speaking my name like it was some sacred prayer. So tender, so lucid, spoken just above a whisper, my heart nearly punched itself out of my chest.

"You left me."

"I know." My knees trembled; this must be what it feels like when you're high. It was just like I remember it. So clear and lovely, like a cello, it reverberated deep inside me.

"You told me not to follow."

"I'm sorry."

"You're-" I spun around. He was there, his face perfect stone, unreadable. "You're sorry?"

He took a step forward, I couldn't move. His eyes chained me to the ground. Beautiful gold. "Yes. I didn't want to hurt you."

I took a breath. He was exactly the same; he still hadn't changed at all. Not a hair out of place. My heart was beating so fast, I know he could hear it. "How did you know?" I asked bluntly, keeping my arms around me, afraid that if I let go, I'm melt and drip into the storm drain. "How did you know I was coming?" I'd pondered the question myself a lot. The only reasonable explanation I'd come up with was that Tanya had call them and warned them. That had to be the answer. I was longing to pay her a visit and maybe burn her freaking house down, but I didn't want to do anything rash to the bitch that plucked Edward out of my grasp without hard proof.

"Alice saw you coming. We needed to hurry and-"

"Alice was still Seeing me?" I cut in. I can't feel my body anymore. Alice sees people when they make decisions. I decided to change my life by dating other guys, I decided to go after Arnold, decided to go after Emile. Alice Saw all of that? She Saw me doing all those horrible things? I felt sick. Then I remembered. Edward can read Alice's mind. He knows. He's seen all those things. He knows everything.

I flinched, my whole body was shaking, it was like I was having a seizure. Edwards knows all the disgusting things I've done. He saw how I used all those boys, saw me destroy Arnold, and he… He saw what Emile did to me.

I want to throw up. I've never wanted anything more. Tears are coming down full force. I blinked them away to look at Edward's beautiful face, filled with concern for me. Lies! I was hyperventilating and I flinched again. Edward hates me! He hates everything about me! Is he here to kill me? No, just to laugh at me, at my life. I bet he's happy that he left. Now he isn't associated with me, this monster!

"Bella…"

I turned around and ran, right in front of a Ford Focus. It slammed on the brakes just in time; I grabbed the hood to keep the slight impact for knocking me over, then kept running.

"Bella!" Edward yelled, and the Focus's driver honked the horn. I didn't see why, I just kept running. I knew that Edward could catch me easily, but I couldn't stop, I had to get away. "Bella, what's wrong? Are you okay?" The worry in his voice made me sick. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything!

I wheeled left into an alley and ran into the wall, falling to my knees as the wind got knocked out of me. Edward was by my side in a second and put a supportive arm around my shoulder. "No!" I screamed and flung myself away from him, scrambling on the ground as tears continued to blind me.

"Bella, Bella!" Edward grabbed me and stood me up, touching my hair. "What's wrong?"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry…" I cried, burying my face in my hands. "I'm so sorry."

"For what?" He gently removed my hands and wiped away my tears, his finger carefully tracing the bottom of my eye. "Why are YOU apologizing? I'm the one who's sorry."

I didn't listen to him, just shook my head. "I didn't mean to. I missed you so much, I was so miserable. I couldn't stop. I'm sorry, it's my fault!" I couldn't face him, I just wanted to throw up until I died. "Why did you come back now? I'd finally given up hope. But now I won't ever be able to go back… Why?"

"Bella…" He tilted my head backwards and leaned in. Our lips touched. I was so emotional, and it's been so long. The kiss was overpowering, it ripped through my senses and filled me with warmth. Then I passed out.

-

When I woke up, I was in my bed. Only, something was different. I was totally under the covers, wearing a jacket and sweat pants, but I was still cold. Edward was holding me against his chest, his arms loosely circled around me, but the grip was so firm I couldn't move an inch.

I looked up to find him looking down at me. It was so familiar, the scene resonated within me and I prayed that everything had just been a terrible dream. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, stealing away my breath and any coherent thought I might have once had.

"Bella." His voice helped to clear my head, and I reached up to wipe my eyes, but he beat me to it. He smiled and said my name again. "How I've missed you." Our lips touched once more, but I managed to stay conscious this time. "Why are you so ashamed of yourself? Why are you sorry?"

I looked at him, but he wasn't joking. Or, I don't think he was. He's had a century to perfect his acting skills. But maybe he really didn't know. "I'll trade." I whispered. I didn't want to tell him, but he'll find out anyway. As soon as he gets close enough to anyone from school, he'll be able to find out all about me. I'd rather he heard it from me, but I wanted something in return. "I'll tell you. Everything. But you have to tell me why you came back." He nodded, his expression some perfect mixture of innocence and seriousness.

And so I told him everything.

And then the room was silent.

"Bella." He spoke first. I closed my eyes and waited for what I knew was coming. "It's not your fault." My eyes shot open and I gave him an incredulous stare.

"What do you mean? Everything's my fault! I did all hat stuff, just because I missed you! I did those things with someone other than you, with lots of people other than you! Again and again!"

"But you wouldn't have done those things if I hadn't left you." I was already prepared for this argument.

"But it was your choice. You didn't want me anymore, that doesn't give me the right to-" I was cut off by another kiss.

"Bella, I've NEVER stopped wanting you!" I couldn't move. He seemed so sincere. He seemed sincere that night in the forest too. "I only wanted you to be safe. But as long as you were close to me, that couldn't happen! I love you."

It was like my heart broke all over again, everything froze. I wanted to believe him so badly. I was burning for it, but part of me still held back. It's always so easy for him to trick me, why should this time be any different? But I've been begging and wishing and praying to hear those words for months. Now that he's really saying them… What the hell am I waiting for!? I buried my face in his chest, slobbering out apologies and I-love-you's through tears and snot.

He held me close to him, whispering sweet words in my ear. I didn't make you half the words, drowned out by my sobbing, but his tone of voice filled me with warmth. He rolled on his side, laying my head on the pillow and hovered over me. He leaned down and kissed me, and then he kissed me again. And then again. "Bella… All I've ever wanted if for you to be safe and happy. That's why I've been watching over you the past few days." He leaned in for another kiss, but I pulled away.

"What did you say?" It can't be.

"Before today, I've been watching you from afar. Making sure you don't get into any trouble. Surprisingly, you didn't." He smiled at his joke, but I just stared back. He frowned. "What's wrong?"

"It was you? All that time…" That prickle on my back, ever since that first day as Angela's friend. It was him? He'd been there? Watching me? "You were there for all that time." I was still happy, but that got pushed to the side. I wasn't sad, or depressed, or even sick. I was pissed. "The past week!?"

I placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away. He let me moved him, I know, and his curious expression followed me as I threw the covers off and got out of bed. He just laid there, looking confused. "You mean for the past week, I was the only one!? I was the only one who was sad and lonely!? I dreamed about you every night! I wanted to see you SO much! And you didn't feel that way at all!?"

Tears were back. Edward reached out a hand. "Bella, you're-"

"I'm not sad!" I yelled and threw a small pillow at him. Even though I'm sure I aimed at him, it didn't land anywhere near him. "I'm just so mad! You were there all that time, but you left me all alone!? You- You- Jerk!" Oh, I wanted to call him so many other things. But at the same time, I didn't. It was all very confusing.

That continued for a few minutes. I'd start yelling, then try to quiet down before yelling some more. Edward just stayed on the bed and took it, until I exhausted myself and had to sit down on the bed. Then he appeared behind me and took me in his arms.

"…You know I didn't mean any of that, right?" I asked quietly as he smoothed my hair.

"It's alright. I deserved it." I really wanted to argue, but I was too tired. "I'm sorry, for everything, Bella. For leaving, for running away from you in Greenland, for not coming back to you right away. I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you." I whispered.

"I wish you wouldn't. "

I touched his hand and stroked his palm. Then I laced our fingers together and held them tight. "I love you."

"I love you too."

We stayed like that for a longer while. I was waiting to completely cool down, or at least at fist I was. But then it was just so comfortable, Edward's ice cold skin, and the fiery feeling he ignited inside me. It was a Kodak moment, and I wanted to enjoy it.

I eventually spoke up. "You still haven't told me why you came back."

"I haven't, have I?" I looked up at him and frowned. He laughed. "Calm down." He touched me comfortingly and I smiled. "Alice started Seeing you again, even after we left for Prince Edward's Island. She tried to hide it at first, but… I caught on eventually."

I lifted his hand and pressed it to my cheek, which was burning bright red. He was so close, all this happiness was bubbling inside me, I might just float away.

"It was too much. Seeing you every single day. I saw you trip and scrape your elbow a few weeks ago, and then I saw you slipping on a wet sidewalk. You still seem to be on gravity's hit list." He laughed again, and I could feel his chest rumble beneath my back. "I just couldn't take it anymore, seeing you without really seeing you. Not being able to touch you or talk to you or touch you." His grip tightened around me, but it was still so comfortable. "I didn't plan to show myself. I just wanted to admire you from afar, keep you out of danger. I don't normally follow you as closely as I did today, but I wanted to be near you, smell you. I saw your mirror, and I knew that you'd seen me. I didn't want to run away, I couldn't."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"I wish I had." I started to turn on him, but he held me still. "I'm afraid I won't ever be able to leave you again. No matter what." I had stiffened under his grip, but relaxed now. I carefully pushed away his arms and rotated to face him.

I touched his neck and slid my hand up to his cheek. "Good." And then we kissed.

_Awww… How cute! Okay everybody, all that's left now is the epilogue. Go ahead and read that, and I'll talk to you all later._


	7. Epilogue

_Here we go. The absolute last addition to my first Twilight, fic. (sniff) It's a beautiful moment…_

A Capella Luctuoso

Epilogue

Edward and the rest of the Cullen family have been home for a few weeks now. The hospital welcomed Carlisle back with open arms, and the mass of pubescent teens at Forks High School broke out into song when Rosalie and Edward were once again walking the halls.

Charlie was another story. I nearly had to come up with some terrible explanation for why Edward doesn't die when you shoot him fifty times. Carlisle and Esme made several visits, and Alice practically lived at our house before he finally decided that Edward could be trusted again. Even so, he still invited a boy over almost every night for dinner, trying to fix me up with someone else. Too bad I've already dated everyone he can find.

School life was getting better little by little. Angela and I are almost as close as we were before Edward left, and Jessica and I can sit near each other and still be civil. With Edward's psychic help, I was able to get on some people's good sides, at least to the point that they'd talk to me again. Boys were still a little timid around me, but Edward was at my side every second.

I took a leisurely drive one afternoon and saw that Fantecstasy had closed down. A little asking around let me find out that Emile had grown bored of being a businessman and decided to fly to Jamaica for a never-ending Spring Break in Negril. Good for him, it doesn't seem like I damaged him that much. Heck, it sounds like he's even wilder now than when we met.

And then I bumped into Arnold one day while cashing a check. He saw me and froze, but just made a beeline for the free coffee and ignored me. He was sweating, but I spied a small silver band around his left ring finger. I decided that I really didn't need to know, so I took my 40 bucks and left.

And now, my life has nearly returned from the bumpy detour. Someone could almost call my life normal, as long as they didn't find out that I spent every afternoon in a house full of vampires.

Alice had only gotten crazier since we'd had to part. She danced in a circle around me for nearly a minute before swooping in to kiss me on both cheeks and hug me until I passed out. And then, as soon as I woke up, Emmet grabbed me in a bear hug that nearly shattered my rib cage. Rosalie and Jasper kept their distance, but at least Jasper smiled at me. Madam Blonde Queen of Ice only nodded at me, her lips pressed together into a thin line. Esme was my favorite Cullen that night, because her hug only hurt, instead of torturing me. Carlisle was much more professional, he gave me a warm smile and a firm handshake to welcome me back.

That very first night after they had finished moving back in we had a private party. The music was French, 'Superbus,' a band that played constantly in Alice's head. The refreshments were a cup of Sprite and some potato chips for me. I was really stupid and asked if someone wanted to share. Ugh, I start blushing just thinking about how much they laughed at me. We did nearly every dance ever invented, then waltzed for about an hour. Then, finally, Carlisle made a toast, and I sipped on a Shirley Temple while everyone else watched.

All in all, I'm happy. I'm happy. I never would have thought… Who knew it could happen again?

One morning, as I waited for Edwrd to pick me up for school, I was flipping through the newspaper. Marmaduke was still acting silly, and as I flipped it closed, the top story caught my eye. Another murder in Seattle. I shivered, remembering Charlie warning me away from the city last night. It's weird, normally news like that doesn't bother me. But for some reason, all these stories just give me a bad feeling.

But then I heard two honks and smiled. How can I be thinking about this sad stuff when I'm so happy?

I grabbed my backpack, shouted, "Bye, Dad!" over my shoulder and darted out the door. He was waiting for me and I slid into the passenger's seat.

"Ready?" He asked, smile dazzlingly me.

I touched his hand, lacing our fingers together once again, and looked up at him. "Almost." He smirked, then leaned down and kissed me. "…Okay, now I'm ready."

_And… Cut! Well, this is it, guys. It's all over, that's all she (I) wrote! Bella's happy, Edward's happy, and now the stage is set up perfectly for the events of Eclipse to occur. I really hope you all enjoyed my little alternate history for what happened during New Moon. I know that I loved writing it. TWILIGHT FOREVER!!!_

_Oh, and hey, be on the lookout for my next Twilight fic, "My Life Is Over, I'll Give You A New One." Here's a little spoiler for it, Bella has a backbone! Gasp!_


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